Saturday, January 30, 2016

One Year: Thoughts on Loss & Healing

For one year, I’ve dreaded this day...

January 30th

The day I had walked into the doctor’s office for my last ultrasound, filled with hope and promises, only to be told my baby’s heart had stopped beating.

It’s a day that has haunted me & left me crying myself to sleep, praying to the God who I believed had forgotten me.

I wish I could say that within the past year God has restored my heart fully, but I cannot. 

I wish I could say that the sting becomes more bearable, but I struggle with that statement. Cause for me the pain is still deep...just less frequent.

I still ache, I still cry, and I still wonder what my baby would be like today.

I wish (oh, how I wish!) I could say I know the answers - the reasons why I had to go through what I did, but I can’t.

This is what I can say: 

I am a survivor. I lost my baby a year ago and it hurts like hell still....but I’m carrying on.

I am strong. I walked the road of grief alone, suffering the repercussions of marrying someone who had lied to me, pretending to be someone he was not....and yet, after divorce and loss, I’m still carrying on.

I am my own worst enemy. I faced many days in shock and self-hate, fighting the thoughts of not being good enough to be a mom and have someone that would truly love me...and I’m still learning how to forgive others and be kind to myself.

I am good at acting. I would put on a happy front many days when venturing out of my apartment, but then I would literally crumple to the floor in tears the moment I walked in the door.

I am fragile. Every baby shower invite, pregnancy announcement, and reference to birth and parenthood made me fall back down in tears.

I am broken. But so is everyone else. I couldn’t go to church for months. I hated seeing happy “whole” families. When I finally did go back, I couldn’t stop crying. I would hide in the back, arriving late and leaving early to avoid talking to anyone. I desperately wanted to be close to the God who I knew could heal my heart, but I didn’t want to be near all the people that looked like they had it all together. After quite some time, I found that everyone else is just as broken and their own ways.

I am human. I got angry with God so many times - ugly, bitter, angry - the kind you don’t tell people about. I yelled at Him too many times to count...and He still loves me just the same.

I am loved. Through the many hard days and nights, I have been surrounded by incredible friends and those that have loved on me.

This is what I learned: 

God is faithful. I learned that life goes on and we can too with the help of the Lord - even on the days when we feel like we can’t possible go one more step.

God is good. I learned that we might never understand the pain. We might never grasp why things have to happen the way they do ---> mainly why God allows certain things. But we have to remember no matter what the outcome, God is still God and He is still good.

God is always with us. I learned that even when we feel like our Father in Heaven has forgotten us, He has not.

I don’t have eloquent or wise words to end this post. All I can say is that whatever you may be going through today, friend, take heart. Know that God hasn’t forgotten you. We may feel so alone and broken, but He is still with us. We may feel like our world has ended and we can’t possibly take another breath, but.... we can...we really can.

And when we trust our Father God enough to step forward, to breathe again, and to lean on Him, we will find that He is right there to help us... He always was....He always is. <3

’til we meet again, 
~Patty xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. We are all broken in some way, shape or form. sending you virtual hugs, love and comfort.