Thursday, September 3, 2015

9 Months

This morning the light softly entered my bedroom. I felt the pillows all around me - my little nest of comfort. I heard the birds chirping in beautiful harmony. It was a peaceful morning.

Then I was reminded. It’s September. A month that I had once been so excited for. A month that I couldn’t wait to come and now that it’s here.... I wish it would go back to where it came from.

I don’t want to be reminded of the joy that would have been entering my life if everything was different. I don’t want to remember the pain of knowing that those happy moments would never come. I don’t want to accept reality.

Can I slip back into my dreams? Can I hide until it’s all over so I don’t have to go through each layer of my grief again?

Why do I have to feel this pain again?

For a moment it feels like the day I got the news - no heartbeat anymore. Waves of tears rush over me and I can’t help but feel broken and alone.

I won’t ever see your face. I won’t ever know you or see you grow. I won’t ever be able to smell your little head like my sister did with her babies. “So sweet”, she would say. I won’t ever hear your first little sounds.

It’s hard to ignore these loud emotional voices screaming in my head, reminding me of everything that’s not going to come.

But then an overwhelming sense of calm washes over me. I am not broken or alone.

I am strong.

In this nine months you have taught me more about life and myself than I ever could have imagined, even though I never got to feel your kicks or watch you tumble around in my growing belly.

When you left me, you left me with sadness - yes. But you also left me with a new sense of myself. I learned to surrender. I learned to accept. I learned to lean on others. I learned to persevere. I learned to breathe.

Without you, I wouldn’t have found this personal power within me. Without you, I wouldn’t have learned to really embrace the moment - to accept the things I cannot change - and to find peace within when chaos tries to consume me.

So thank you, little Iron Pea, for touching me so much in ways I cannot measure or describe. You will always be mine and I am going to be okay. I am not going to crumble into a pile of dust because it’s September. I’m going to remember you and the gifts you have given me... and I’m going to be grateful for those sweet, brief moments of motherhood that you gave me.



  1. Oh, friend. Heartbreaking and so beautiful. Your words could not have come at a more appropriate time for me in mu own life. Once again we are heart to heart in this pain, and I just want to hold you and tell you what an amazing woman I think you are. Hugs, Dear, and so, so much love.

  2. Thinking of you always, dear friend. I think Lil Iron Pea is whispering in your ear every day - never far, I'm sure. Love you!