Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Aftermath

6 weeks...and 1 day. 

It doesn’t feel that long since going through that painful day of losing my baby, but at the same time it feels like eternity since I last felt that life within me. 

I have had many days when I didn’t get out of bed in those 6 weeks, but what got me moving again were my workouts. After 2.5 weeks of being down, I knew I had to get up and workout to feel better. 

I would convince myself to try, “just 30 minutes”. Then I’d slink out of bed with every ounce of energy I could find, attempting to get my newly shaped, hormonal body into a sports bra, pants, and a shirt. 

It is a tough stage physically, not just emotionally, when you lose a baby. My body had already adjusted to carrying life. My breasts had jumped to DD’s, making sports bras a painful, but much needed necessity all the time. My hips and tummy had become soft and rounded. 

It was extremely hard to train again. My heart rate would be crazy high as I would push my empty, but hormonal body to try to move. At times, I wanted to give up and crawl back into bed, but I managed to always get my 30 minutes in for those first 7-10 days. 

But then, things got harder. 

Life threw me another curve ball. I won’t share the details, but I got hit hard and knocked back down on my face. Devastated and shocked, I crawled back to the only place I knew I was safe - my bed. 

I tried to keep doing my workouts, but it was on and off. I wasn’t just grieving for my baby anymore. I was grieving a lot more. I reached out to people for help, specifically those in the church and a counseling center....

But I wasn’t given any help. To be completely honest, I was given more “words of advice” from well meaning people that hurt like hell than ever before. Things like, “you were too active”, “you should have had a higher body fat percentage”, and even “take responsibility for your own part in this”.  It has been over 3 weeks of trying to find a Christian counselor to help me deal with everything... I still have not seen someone. 

It shouldn’t be that hard to get help, y’all. It shouldn’t be that hard to receive a kind word either. It has made me wonder how many people have given up hope in the past because someone from the Christian community wouldn’t take time to help them or even just respond to them. It made me sad. 

Beyond the emotional hell and back to the physical: I got my first period since losing the baby and it was the most painful cycle I can remember going through. I bled very large amounts and could barely move. I don’t know if it was because of my body adjusting or the endometriosis or both. 

It was horrible pain and I would never wish it on anyone. 

As I got through it, I went back to teaching my fitness classes at the gym, which I love. As hard as it has been to overcome and adjust, I have been doing my best. I got back to eating right and drinking my dense nutrition smoothies to help my body heal and recover. With the right workouts and finally getting good nutrition again, my body is slowly changing and adapting back to the way it was pre-pregnancy. 

I rode my bike for the first time in almost 5 months. It was a slow 16mph for an hour, but I was beyond happy with getting back to cycling again. 

I attempted a few runs too. 2.5 miles, 1.5 miles, and a whopping 4.5 mile walk/jog. Woohoo! ;)

My breasts are back to my C cups. My tummy is not bloated anymore. I’m starting to feel my energy return. And the best thing has been my appetite. I’m hungry again. I want real food...and not just pie in bed. heh. 

The hardest thing now has been the sleep. Or rather lack of it. It just doesn’t happen. 

Every day is a battle and I have choice to fight or retreat. I’ll keep choosing to fight. I’ll keep getting up. The pain is still there and the shock of everything happening in life is still rattling me, but I’m holding to the hope that it gets better still. 

And I’m still pushing on, even when I don’t feel like it. 

Life goes on. 

Hold onto hope and keep fighting your battle. 

But remember to reach out to others - the lost, the broken, the empty, the lonely, and even the ones that appear to have it all together. 

We all need it. 



  1. I can't believe anyone would ever say that you had responsibility in this whatsoever. Things happen and they happen due to nothing you have done yourself. Please hear me...THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Sometimes things just happen and we don't understand. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it has nothing to do with anything you have done or not done. Love to you my friend!!! You are one of the strongest women I know and I am honored to call you my friend :-)

  2. I cannot believe anyone would try and tell you that you helped cause this too happen. Nothing you did caused you to lose your baby the same way that I did nothing that caused it for me. I promise things will get better and I am always here if you need a friend xx