Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Awkward Prayers

You know those awkward prayers? The ones when you are alone, but not sure what to say, so instead you just end up crying, begging, pleading, and maybe even yelling out to God??

Yeah, those are all my prayers lately.

Most of the time it’s in my car.

I just drive around with no where to go, trying to escape how I feel, crying and yelling to God.

Sometimes it’s in the middle of the day when I try to get myself out of bed, up and out of the dark room, out from underneath the covers that I crawl into on a daily basis now. Other times these drives happen at 10 at night. I never have a destination to where I am going. There is no reason.

It’s just me. Driving. Crying. Attempting to tell God all the things on my heart and hear a reply.

During the quiet times, I just drive in a daze, not caring where I end up. Just hoping I get some kind of peace and comfort from the Lord. To be honest, I don’t feel Him answering when I am silent.

To be even more real, when I’m “praying”, I probably sound like a toddler, throwing a fit because I didn’t get my own way.

Except that I’m a mother, grieving the loss of my child; my baby.

I bet there are a lot of people who say I shouldn’t talk with God this way, but He knows me. He knows the things I’m trying to say and the pain I feel.

He would know if I was being fake in my prayers too.

He knows how I prayed for years to be a mother, praying for this disease to not get control of my body, to preserve my organs and my fertility. And how I have doubted it would ever truly happen.

He knows the questions that circle around in my head while I’m driving. Questions like, “Did I move too much when pregnant? Did I push too much? Did I stress too much? Is God mad at me? Did I get too emotional? Did I not deserve to be a mom?  Did I not talk to my baby enough? Did I not pray for my baby enough? Did I not try enough? Did I not have enough faith?...” It goes on and on and on...

He knows that every pregnancy announcement I hear leaves me crumbled in a heap, crying and begging for a way out of the pain, away from my empty, diseased womb.

He also knows all the things that I have no clue about - the things far beyond my understanding.

I may scream and yell and cry and beg, but ya know what?

God understands all the murmuring of pain echoing from my lips. When I cry myself to sleep, when this disease flares up, when my body fails me, and when nothing makes sense that comes out of my mouth...

God knows. 

Yes, my prayers are awkward and messy. They are not eloquent and pretty words of poetry.

Thankfully, the power of prayer is not in my words or how I deliver them, but in the One up above who hears me.

1 comment:

  1. I think you and I have discussed this before, but those yelling, temper tantrum style prayers are the ones where God has done the most work on me. It's because those ARE real. Those are the irrational, sinful, pathetic ways we actually think... and God loves it when we bring those to His feet.

    It's not a blanket excuse to disrespect our Father. It's saying it's okay to feel what we really feel. It's giving ourselves permission to not be perfect, but to take that imperfection to the only One who can redeem us from it. I'd wager that anyone who isn't yelling at God, isn't telling Him it's not fair, and isn't frustrated that they can't figure how He is being good and faithful at all times probably isn't being real with Him either.

    Prayer isn't about magic words. It isn't about religious order. It isn't about showing up to the dentist with flossed teeth for the first time in 6 months. It's about be completely open and vulnerable to our Savior who will love us in return with gentleness and faithfulness that we can never experience anywhere else.