Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Obsession. Motivation. And Hope.

I didn’t want to train yesterday. I had a little swim workout and I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to bike or run either. I didn’t want to move, eat, or even think. I just wanted to go home, back to Florida, back to my family. I wanted to shove everything in my car that I possibly could and leave.

Do you ever have days like this? 

Days when nothing seems to make sense and it seems easier to just run away from it all. 

Or just quit. 

Quit work. Quit training. Quit trying. 

It’s rather pathetic, I know. I have just been so sad lately. And lost feeling. 

For my swim yesterday, I only completed about 400 meters of the 1000+ meter workout. I tried to keep going--I really did--but I was exhausted and emotional. I miss my brothers. I miss my sisters. I miss my friends. I miss Josh. I hate this feeling of knowing that he isn’t coming back. 

I know it’s going to get better. 

I know I’m going to get past this rough time. 

But dangit. dangit. dangit. 

I’m really hurting right now.

And I just want to leave.

Despite all the sadness that I feel, I still did some bit of a work out. I hit up an open water swim with some members in the tri group. Then I was able to bust out a bike ride with them on part of the course for the triathlon I’m racing this Sunday. I know that I love to train, but for some reason I really don’t care about it right now. I’m pushing myself to keep at it.

I’m obsessive and a perfectionist, especially when it comes to training. I realize that. Training is my life. It is all I want to do (usually). It is my passion. I live for my workouts and races. It consumes me. I think about it all the time. My days are ruled by it. My bed time, nutrition choices, and social life revolved around training.

That’s why today has alarmed me. To feel like I don’t want to swim, bike, or run is a huge thing. Forget the urge to pack up and leave--if I’m not training, I’m not living.

I <3 to Run

I’m not going to quit training due to the lack of motivation, depression, and fatigue. I know I can push through this. I got through the Lupron treatment--through the vomiting, pain, exhaustion, insomnia, and emotional hell of that medical treatment. I conquered it. I dominated that drug. I’m determined to dominate this rough time as well. I’m going to get past the sadness and turn it into something better. I have hope that I can improve and love my training again.

"A winner will find a way to win. Winners take bad breaks and use them to drive themselves to be that much better. Quitters take bad breaks and use them as a reason to give up”
~Nancy Lopez 

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