Friday, June 3, 2011

Life is...delicious.

“The truth is that life is delicious, horrible, charming, sweet, bitter and that is everything”. 
~Anatole France

I’ve been in kind of a funk the last month or so. A horrible rut actually. Part of it was hormones, I imagine. But most of it was my own attitude. I allowed people and circumstances to shape how I felt, reacted, and viewed myself. It was nothing but a funk...and a learning experience. 

I forgot how amazing Fridays are. I forgot how incredible the summer days can be. I forgot how to smile and enjoy being alone. I forgot how good it feels to lay out by the pool, feeling the cool breeze mix in with the warm sunshine. I forgot life

Some days I get so incredibly lonely on my own. I miss family, friends, and having someone special in my life. Some days I get mean, sad, bitter, and selfish. 

I forgot how to love and live, without putting up a wall. 

I forgot the simple things of life too. 

I forgot how amazing it is to sleep in. I forgot how fun it could be to go hiking on the trails by myself. I forgot how good ice cream tasted on lazy days. I somehow fell into the rut of believing that going full speed all the time was the only way. I believed the stupid lie that I couldn’t be happy alone. I somehow missed the preciousness of....life

That’s the thing with pain and sickness. It’s so easy to get sucked into my own self pity. Waking up in the middle of the night in agony brings the attention on my own problems. Going through a season where I was struck down by disease and medical treatment, I allowed my joy of life to leave. 

I’m not going to deny the pain of what I went through and the hell of the Lupron side effects, but I will admit that I was guilty of letting it defeat me for a while...until I realized that I needed to get back up and smile again. I LOVE TO SMILE. Somehow it always makes everything better...even the pain. 

Do you know how blessed I am to just be? Do you know that my job is training a family that I love? Do you know that I have an amazing family that has been through the most trying of experiences and still manage to stick together? Do you know that I have a God who loves me the same no matter what I do?

Ahhh, I have an incredible life! 

I want to live each day, tasting the fullness of this life--the bitterness and sweetness. I want to get out of my comfort zone some more and dance...just because I can. I want to break down the walls that I built around me. I want to get back up stronger, happier, and full of joy. 

I want to stop apologizing for being me. 

For so long my self-image depended on my physical strength and fitness. After it was taken away from me (for the months I was down and out), I was forced to far deeper dimensions. Now I realize all the apologies I made for how sick, weak, emotional, and in pain that I was...amount to nothing. 

Because that is life. That is me. 

Through the sickness, I found how to appreciate my health. 

Through my weakness, I found incredible strength. 

Through the tears, I discovered joy. 

As I write this on my MacBook, I’m laying out in a bikini by the pool, soaking up the sun...and eating watermelon. It’s days like this where I realize how blessed I am. But I would never have known if I hadn’t been through the days (and nights) where I was stuck in bed because of the pain. 

Through the pain, I found out just how delicious life is. 


2 comments:

  1. I love this post! It is good to hear you are feeling so well. Maybe your trip to visit family really did help x

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  2. I love that you are counting your blessings xoxo

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