Friday, February 11, 2011

That’s life!

So begins month 4 on Lupron...which is why this post is probably a little dramatic and sad.

I have been in bed most of the day. Sharp pains shooting from my ribs into my hips and down my legs. I thought that it wasn’t supposed to hurt anymore, but it does.

Just like before.

I am so tired of being sick and in pain. I’m weary of pushing through the struggle again and again. But I keep on going. I have no choice but to keep pressing on.

And that is what hurts. Day in and day out. Every night.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Where is the hope?

I wake up to pain. I spend my day in pain, in anticipation of the night, where I will lay in pain...begging for sleep.

If I cry about the pain, than I am weak. Or so they think.

So, I am tempted to sink back in my little hole, away from the world and all who judge my pain. I am persuaded to try and ignore the pain.

How can I say anything about a female bleeding disease? How can I speak up about my ovaries and uterus being stabbed with sudden jolts? How can I talk about my pelvis stinging? And my empty, broke, barren womb?

How can I dare bring up any of my pain with endometriosis when it is just...a female problem?

It is not going to kill me. It is not cancerous. It is not the end of the world.

“It is just life”, were his words to me today. The man at Kevin’s office, who thought he should inform me of pain and how it is a part of us. How it is “just life” and something I have to deal with.

And then I get told that it isn’t that bad.

It could be worse, they say.

It could be cancer. 

You could be dying.

That’s where they get me. That’s where I feel like a weak, pathetic woman, crying about a disease that shouldn’t be cried over....because I’m not dying.

I’m ok. I have a good life. I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m blessed.

So, what is wrong with me? Why am I still crying over the pain? Why am I upset over the drug?

Because it hurts!

It hurts every single day and night. It doesn’t ever go away. It is always within me, lingering.

I don’t want a prescription for pity. I just want people to know that endometriosis hurts. And the drug that is supposed to stall the disease is now tearing me apart.

Lupron is not my “healing booster”, like Kevin called it today. No, no, no. Lupron is my poison. It shoots death into my body. I am no longer the young 27 yr old athlete. I am an aging old woman.

I hate this pain. I am so tired of this sickness. I sometimes wish it was terminal, just so that I could know that relief would be coming very soon.

That sounds morbid, I know. But it’s true.

I trust that God has a reason for all this pain and for allowing this disease, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing that he’d come back and take me now.

But I guess that’s life, isn’t it now?


  1. I am so so sorry you are experiencing so much pain from the Lupron. Has your doctor suggested trying a different injection? Maybe Zoladex would be better for you. The same type of drug but just maybe you wouldn't experience so much pain.

    I hate to read how much you are suffering it really shouldn't be causing you so much pain daily.

  2. Thanks for the suggestion, sweetie. I’m on month 4 of 6, so hoping to just push through it. The pain is always the worst right after the shot. Just the shooting pains in my core. The bone pain is kind of all the time. But it’s okay. I just have bad nights. Doing better today. :)

  3. Glad to hear you're doing better. Good luck on your run today although with your determination I know you will get through it x