Tuesday, February 22, 2011

One of those days...

One of those crazy, “nothing makes sense”, crying days. The kind where I feel like my world is collapsing and I’m all alone, far away from family and friends.

Yeah, one of those days.

The lack of sleep has taken its ultimate toll.

I wanted to quit today.

Quit school. Quit training. Quit running. Quit everything.

I wanted to pack up my life and go....home.

But this is my home.

I can’t escape insomnia. I can’t run away from it. I can’t beat it. All I can do is call the doctor and ask for something else. Some other drug that will give me rest and peace of mind.

So I did.

And then I cried some more.

I called my sister during my meltdown, announcing my defeat...in life. ‘Cause that is what it feels like when this stuff takes over. Defeat. Failure. Loss.

It’s like the more I try to push, the more the Lupron and hell pushes back.

“...don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.” ~Joshua 1:9

And this is where I trust even more. On these days when I’m falling apart, trusting that God will put the pieces back together. Believing that He will hold me close when I’m crying and carrying on.

 "If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; 
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.” 
~ Psalm 34:18 the message

 "You've kept track of my every toss and turn 
      through the sleepless nights, 
   Each tear entered in your ledger, 
      each ache written in your book.”
~Psalm 56:8 the message


  1. I literally came thisclose to quitting my job during my last round of Lupron. My great, amazing, incredible job that I love. I was convinced I couldn't do it. That I just honestly could not work. I called my dad sobbing one day, and told him that I just could not work anymore. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't sleep, and I was soooooo tired. I just couldn't keep working too.

    I don't know how I kept myself from quitting. My dad just kept telling me to give it another week. Give it another week. Don't make rash decisions. Just give it another week. And eventually, I didn't have to think like that anymore. But I am pretty sure that I stopped Lupron not a minute too soon. Otherwise, I don't think I would have a job right now...

    Thinking of you friend. And hoping that this part passes. Soon!

  2. Thank you, SIF and Lenzey. I keep telling myself it’s gonna pass too.