Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Looking back

Just as each day brims with your beauty, 
      my mouth brims with praise.” ~Psalm 71:8 (the Message)

I wrote the following note (posted below) in October, just days before my last surgery. I was stuck in bed at the time, unable to move much.Fast forward to four months later - I’m running the miles again! The journey isn’t over (it never is, right?), but I can’t help but praise and thank God for His faithfulness.

Whatever you are going through today, remember that He is our healer and redeemer. In every hardship, disease, and sorrw, He continues to bring us through. He is so, so, so good! 

"I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:  God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).  He's all I've got left.” ~Lamentations 3 (the Message) 

God is so good....always! 

"Kevin went for a bike ride this morning. He is doing 65 miles. I wanted to go. My road bike is standing lonely in the garage, waiting for me. My muscles are begging for me to stop the atrophy. My heart is pumped up to beat like crazy again. My skin misses being drenched in sweat. 
But I can’t move right now.
These stupid sharp pains grab at my tummy and pelvis. I lay in my bed and wrap my heated blanket around my core, telling myself that I will feel better this afternoon.
It has become rather pathetic. 
I haven’t felt better in 6 weeks of “afternoons”. And I’ve been fighting the pain, off and on, for months of “afternoons”.
This is getting harder. I want to fight this sickness with a work out. I want to run until I can’t feel anymore pain or bike until my insides are numb. But every time I try to push, the stabbing pains get worse. I retreat back to my bed. Or crumple on the floor in the middle of a failed effort.
This cannot be happening! This is not my body. I am an athlete. I am strong. I am competitive and powerful!
This isn’t me!
This is just a bad nightmare. I’m ready to wake up and feel good again. I’m ready to rise up before the sun and hit up a run. I’m ready to bike until my legs, butt, and feet go numb. I’m ready to push in the weight room, laughing at the resistance that tries to keep me down. 
I’m ready for the good pain. The kind that comes from challenges and competitions. I’m ready for muscle soreness so bad that I have to sit on ice packs after a 170 mile bike ride. I’m ready for the wonderful burn of a face plant after my upper body hits fatigue in the middle of a plyo push up. I’m ready for 28 miles of running “just for fun”. 
I’m ready to be able to eat more than chicken broth and saltines. I miss my fruit and veggies!
I’m ready to sleep through the whole night without waking up to take a hot showers through out the night to ease the pain.
I’m ready to go outside and enjoy the amazing fall weather doing something fun, instead of trying to figure out which way I can position myself on the bed so that I hurt less.
This is beyond frustrating for me, but it won’t get me down. I’m going to conquer this disease and gut it out. 
I do not know what the future holds, but I know that it’s in God’s hands. I know that this pain will pass. I know that I will feel better in the afternoon. Maybe not this afternoon, but it will be soon. And when I do, my rides will be longer. My runs will be faster. My body will be stronger. And my faith will be deeper. 
Just wait...” 

1 comment:

  1. That is hard stuff, I have had to be in that position before, left at home, in pain, dying to be out exploring with everyone else. You are so right, someday you will feel better, I am praying for that day for you. You are going to do great!