Saturday, January 8, 2011

Sobs of relief

"You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle, Are they not in your book?"

-Psalm 56:8

I sobbed today.

It was breathless, unrelenting, heart-pounding sobs.

Tears poured down as my body heated up, soaking my clothes in sweat.

And I couldn’t stop.

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Anxiety attack? Panic attack? Hormones gone whack?

Call it what you will because I really don’t have a clue. All I know is that it was never this bad before. I was never this emotional, except for...

The time my Uncle died of cancer.

And when my ex-fiance #1 disappeared on me.

The wailing cries are saved for the darkest of days and the deepest of hurts. So why did I sob so much today? (And all the other days this past month?)

A close friend of mine was upset with me today. Unknowingly, I had hurt her. And the realization made me sick. It took over 45 minutes of crying to let go and forgive myself (even though she wasn’t even angry with me). My only conclusion to this emotional breakdown is that Lupron is to blame.

It has been over a week since I was supposed to have my third injection. And here I am, telling myself that I will get it done on Monday. I just wanted this weekend without. I just want to be able to go to church and sing in all the services as planned...without getting sick.

But I also want to be free of endometriosis. Even if it is for only 6 months. I want to save my female parts. I long for a baby and a family one day.

As I write this, pain is piercing my pelvis and rib cage. I’m resisting the urge to even think that the endo could grow back so fast. I’m on Lupron. How could it?

Maybe the pain is from my running today. I did 8 miles on the hills in 30 degree weather. It felt like it was 80 outside with all the hot flashes. And really, it was easy for me. I was planning on doing 10 miles, but I got picked up 2 miles from home because a friend was in the hospital (He is okay now, but at the time we were unsure what was going on).

Maybe the crying is from exhaustion. I haven’t been able to sleep at all.

Maybe it terrifies me to lose a friend. Especially one that I love so much. I’m praying that I don’t cause anymore hurt. I’m praying that she will not hold my stupidity against me.

Maybe it’s the hormones. The drug. The run. The ache. The pain. And this long journey.

Maybe it’s just...everything.

All I could do was lay on the floor and pray for the storm to pass. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.

Just praise.

So I asked God to be near. I thanked Him for the tears. And praised Him for relief. In the storm, I cannot see the reason for the pain and tears, but I know my God has a plan. I know He’s got me...and all my sobs for relief.


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