Sunday, January 2, 2011

She really loves me. Or she loves me not.

“Attitudes are contagious”. That’s what mom said today as she cut me down. It was like she was offering an excuse for her cruelty, blaming the harsh comments on whoever ticked her off.


mommy and me
I wanted to tell her how much she hurt me. But I know better. I know mom doesn’t want to be mean, but she is just not doing well. And I don’t know how to help her.


I don’t know how to make her happy. I don’t know how to talk to her without getting emotional or upset. She’s on drugs for depression and anxiety and doesn’t respond to anything we say to try and help. 


She got drunk last night when my sister flew in from NY. 


HUH??!?


And then she went to church today to ask for repentance....in front of the whole congregation.


What?!?!? 


Lately, I’ve been wondering who this woman is. I watched her lean over the counter today for balance. When she talks, her speech is slurred. And she’s not being very nice.


I didn’t know what to expect when I got here today with my little sister. Mom has always had episodes that have thrown us all for a loop, but lately it’s been worse. With being sick in Arkansas, there is only so much that I can do.


To be honest, a big part of me is thankful that I live so far away. It helps me to deal with the meanness, even though I know mom doesn’t intentionally try to hurt me. Like when she called me up a week before surgery and told me I was making a mistake. She’s paranoid of doctors and was convinced that Dr. Gorman wanted to cut me open for the heck of it. Or when she tried to convince me that endometriosis was a result of sin and bitterness. That if I just repented enough, God would heal me.


She means well. I know she does.


But mom is not well.


Tonight, I had to run to the restroom to throw up during dinner. I made the trip a few times actually. The food was delicious, but my tummy got upset. About 2 hours later, I wanted twizzlers (Lupron is the devil). Mom looked at me with my package of sweets and said a, “That’s why your sick!”.


And I got mad. Really mad.


Twizzlers are not why I am sick.


My older sister, who had surprised me with a visit from NY, whispered to me as mom walked away, “She doesn’t know. She doesn’t understand”. I know. I know. But it still hurts.


I love being home. I love my brothers and sisters. I love my niece. And I love my mother. She is the sweetest woman when she is doing good. She would do anything for her seven kids. But right now, mom is worse. And I wonder if she really wants me here.


Mom has been my source of strength so many times. She has encouraged me and lifted me up out of the darkest of days and deepest of pits. She is an amazing mother, considering the hell she has been through.


She’s just going through a lot. She’s just not doing well right now.


She really loves me.

3 comments:

  1. It can be really difficult coming from a family with mental health or addiction issues - it can make me feel helpless and frustrated. I always need to remind myself that my parents do love me very much, but they can't always function the way I'd like or need them to. They're only human, and we're all flawed somehow. I try to detach with love and trust G-d to work it out in his own time. In the meantime I try to let them and myself off the hook - I try and stop making them responsible for meeting the needs I want them to.

    And it sucks - its really hard. So I just try to do it one day at a time.

    Thinking of you <3

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  2. This broke my heart. I too, come from a family with mental health issues. It's really hard... harder than most people realize.

    I'm praying for you and your family. You're a brave woman to write this.

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  3. Oh sweetie. My heart just broke when my Mum and I read this together. We will say some prayers for you AND your Mum. Your honesty and your faith are incredible. I know what it is like to have mental health issues in your family. My sister has depression and a personality disorder and that is why Mum and I are raising her children and they are growing up without a mother. Depression is a silent painful disease just as much as Endometriosis. Of course she loves you... who wouldn't. Blessings to you xoxo

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