Monday, January 17, 2011

I am not nice

Am I allowed to blame Lupron fully for my moodiness?

Please?

Because I am not nice.

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I am not myself. I am spacey, mean, emotional, snobby, and frantic. I am unable to get anything done. I am barely able to cope with day to day stresses. I am not functioning normally. The only time when I am “myself” is when I’m running.

And even then, the tears fall as I smile.

Nothing makes sense on this drug. And I hate it.

I hate how mean I am to those I love. I despise the way I snap at the doctor. I wish that I could avoid the drama, the times I feel like the world is falling apart. I would give anything to be past this treatment.

Anything, that is, but allow my body to bleed and feed the endo.


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One of the strangest things about it is how quickly the situation changes.

One minute I will have energy and feel fine, but the very next minute I am fighting the urge to fall asleep. Then my body gets heavy with pressure suddenly. I have to close my eyes to avoid throwing up. The pain starts to radiate through my core. And I’m done. I’m in bed, waiting for the wave of sickness to pass, semi-wishing I could fast forward 3 months to where I’m off this drug...and normal again.

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One minute I can eat. The next minute I am vomiting it all out. I pick at my food, begging myself to try. But my tummy convulses, bringing it back up. I get urges to devour animal crackers and pasta at 6 a.m. Then 2 hours later I am scared to drink water for fear that my body will rebel.

This is craziness. Pure craziness.

My family and friends still love me. They still put up with me. When I call my sister crying, she comforts me, even if it is about spilling food on the floor (yes, seriously). When I call my best friend in panic, she tells me to breathe. “It’s okay”, they say, “you’ll be just fine”.

Yes, they are right. I’m gonna make it. I will be just fine.

But I want to be nice too.

I’m trying, friends, I’m trying.

I promise, with all of my heart, I’m trying to be nice.

7 comments:

  1. Yes, we can blame the Lupron. Stupid stupid Lupron.

    Be cranky friend. You will get over it soon. I have no doubt about that at all.

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  2. Completely blame the Lupron I felt exactly all that you have described while on it. The worst part was the feeling of no control I couldn't stop the emotions. 3 months will fly by and you will slowly start to feel like you again.

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  3. Found this through a friend's IF blog. Thank you for writing about endo. For me, it was only a while after I finished with Lupron (3 courses of it) that I realized the full extent of the side effects. I guess I got used to them and then noticed the difference when they were gone. Definitely blame the Lupron!

    I noticed that you were in the USMC. I'm trying to join the military, but endometriosis can be disqualifying and requires a waiver. It's nice to see that someone else with endo was also in the military.

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  4. SIF, I agree about the stupidity of this drug. :( I’m so glad that you are going to Dr. Cook for your next surgery...and that you won’t be on this stuff.

    Endo_Life, thank you for the support and encouragement. I’m definitely ready to feel like myself.

    AM, I’m so sorry to hear about all your dealings with Lupron, but I’m glad that we are able to connect through the blogging world. It helps to know we aren’t alone. Oh, and endo DOES make it difficult to join the military. What branch are you going into?

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  5. Im sorry you are going through this. Yes you can definitely blame it on Lupron! I was a nutcase while on it! And I also just want to give a little bit of my own experience with this drug, I think its super dangerous and I encourage you to look at the facebook site Lupron Victims, just read all the stories on there its amazing. I had endo pain before but after being on Lupron I now have even more problems on top of my endo pain.

    Good luck to you in your endo journey!

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  6. I'm trying to join the Navy, the Medical Service Corps. The paperwork has been interesting. There are more people who are concerned about the status of my uterus (among other things) than I would have ever imagined. The Endometriosis Association has been pretty helpful though- they wrote a letter to support my medical waiver.

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  7. AM, I really hope everything works out for you. That is so awesome that the EA wrote a letter to help. Keep me posted, girl.

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