Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Finding rest

Mom was in the best mood this morning when we were saying goodbye. She was so sweet and loving, just like the mother I knew before the recent breakdown. It was like she was almost glad to see us go, but I knew she wasn’t. I knew she just wanted us to be happy.

We got to Jacksonville around 12:30 in the afternoon. My younger sister had some things to get done, so Nee and I were left with a few hours of “free”time before the 4pm check in at our hotel. I was able to bust out a 4 mile jog. Then, we took my niece to the park.

By this point, I was exhausted. The drive, jog, and emotional chaos had drained me completely. I was craving a cold shower, clean clothes, real food (besides the dry cheerios), and rest.

“Tones”, my little sis, couldn’t come with Nee and I to the hotel. She had too much going on, but promised that she’d stay with us tomorrow. Bella still came along for the “freedom" slumber party though.

We checked into our suite on Amelia Island around 5pm. As soon as we got our bags in the door, I headed for the shower. Finally. Then we walked down the block to hit up dinner at a local family restaurant. I was so exhausted that it didn’t really matter to me what we ate, but the food was good (and it stayed down). It didn’t really matter where we were eating as well. It was the company that made the evening incredible. With my sis across from me and my niece beside me, I knew this trip was more than worth it. The only thing that would make it better would be Tones right here with us. And mom happy again.

Our little princess made us laugh hysterically with her quick comebacks and witty remarks. This girl is way to smart for her own good. Nee and I took a lot of pics. Then Bella took a lot more. I taught her how to use the camera and my iPhone recorder. She sets us all up and tells us how to pose before snapping the photos. If we don’t say “cheese”, she makes us retake the picture. I’m pretty sure I’ve created a camera monster.

After dinner, we ordered pie to take back to the hotel. Then let Bella dance around the table for a few minutes before walking back. I didn’t get sick at all during dinner. Not one bit! I felt a little nauseated back at the hotel, but it wasn’t enough to keep me away from the pie later. Which is a good thing because we had a cream pie party that resulted in a hundred giggles from Bella.

I felt great the whole time. It’s crazy how the pain and nausea are so up and down, but it makes me feel good knowing that relief might be a minute away. I am still dreading that Lupron shot on Thursday though.

So I’m trying not to think about it.

Stacey had her baby boy yesterday. She sent me some text messages and pics, telling me that little Cody Russel can’t wait to meet me. Then Nat found out today that she is going to have a baby girl. I’m so happy for them both, but the news made me cry. I don’t know if it’s just the drug or the longing I have to be a mom that makes me break down sobbing when I hear about new babies. Maybe it’s both.

I can’t wait until I get to be a mom. Sometimes I have my doubts of whether I’ll be a good mom because of how my mother is at times. I get scared that I’ll screw everything up. Despite the chaotic upbringing, I  think mom did an amazing job with all seven of her kids. I just wish she realized how incredible she is. I wish she would believe that we all love and appreciate her. I wish she could just smile again.

Right now, I’m laying in a big, comfy bed with Bella and Nee near by. I miss my brothers already, but I’m so thankful for the time I got to spend with them. I miss my mom too. And I pray that she gets better someday soon.

Despite the struggles with my health and the worries with my family, I am really at peace with everything. I have no idea what this year holds for me, but I’m hopeful, trusting that God has a reason and a plan far better than I could ever imagine or comprehend.


  1. I'm so glad you have had this time with the people you love lady!! And seriously - your little Bella is just the cutest thing ever! I love her!

  2. Thank you so much, SIF. I love that little princess too! :)