Friday, January 14, 2011

The fight is fixed

I looked really cute today. It took me about 4 hours to get ready for the day, but I mastered it. Shower, make-up, hair. I even dressed up a bit (well, to a girl who lives in Nike and Under Armour, a pair of jeans and a sweater are a step up).

The plan was to go to the health food store, pick up some more supplements, then meet up with Kim. I even brought gym clothes just in case we were going to train. I was on top of things, despite being in bed for the past two days.

But things don’t always go as planned, especially when fighting a disease.

I got to the health food store all prettied up. I picked out my usual bone supplements, while ignoring the pain that was beginning to grab at my insides. I talked to the staff and showed off my pink lip gloss with lots of smiling. I paid for my lovely bottles of pills that help me fight the bone loss from the Lupron.

Then I walked to my car, quickly sat down while reclining my seat back, and cried.

The pain was grabbing me relentlessly. The pressure was pulling me down. My bones were screaming and my body was begging to...please...go....home.

Back to bed, again.

Nike shorts, Under Armour tank, Heating pad. Fans. Check.

Chicken brother. Australian Liquorice. sugar free ginger ale. Check.

Tylenol precise cream, Bible, and MacBook Pro. Check.

Prayer, hope, and faith that this will all pass.

Lord knows I’m working on all that.

I was in bed “napping” for a few hours. And then, just as fast as the pain had hit me, it subsided...somewhat. It became bearable. I could move just enough to be able to do something.

So, Kim and I went to a movie. We went and saw True Grit. Matt Damon was disappointing and the finger chopping scene grossed me out, but I didn’t care because I was out. I wasn’t stuck in bed on a Friday night. I’ve missed this feeling of being surrounded by friends and family. I’ve missed living so much the past few months.

Pain has a way of sucking you into hopelessness. Especially chronic pain. Add that to a mysterious disease that causes infertility and is poorly understood. Mix a little bit of hormone therapy and drugs in there as well. The result is a constant battle to keep our spirits up.

But we have to remember that the fight is fixed.

Just like a scripted wrestling match, our steps are ordered by the Lord. It may seem like chaos and confusion with each hit, but God knows the exact moment to step in and deliver the knock out punch.

He knows the cheap shots that hurt. He knows how each blow feels like the end. He knows the pain of rejection and humiliation. He knows the looks of pity when we are getting beat up pretty badly.

“your Heavenly Father knows”
Matthew 6:32

I kept hearing that part of scripture over and over today. He knows. He knows! 

God knew when  I was crying my eyes out in my car, forced to return to bed, and tempted to despair. 

God knew when I was holding my friend’s newborn baby boy, smiling at the dream within my heart to one day be a mother. 

God knew when I ran 10 miles and then collapsed in bed for 2 days. 

He knew every step. He knows the end. He’s already defeated the enemy.

He knows my pain. My tears. My laughter. My hopes. 

And He’s with me every step of the way. 

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way” 
~Psalm 37:23


  1. "The result is a constant battle to keep our spirits up."

    I think that one sentence sums up my entire week. Thinking of you, and I hope tomorrow is much better!

  2. I really, really can't stand it when the medical world doesn't have any more answers than we do. It is so frustrating!

    I do know that you should not have to endure this much pain! It just isn't right.

    I am glad you were able to get out! Hopefully you can have more days like that and less days stuck in bed. :)