Thursday, January 13, 2011

Back in bed, again.

“I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future”


I should be crying. I should be despairing. I should be freaking out, but I’m not. 

I’m ok. 

I kind of knew this was going to happen. I knew I’d be in bed again at some point, unable to function or move. I just didn’t know when it was going to hit me. I don’t mean to sound morbid or pessimistic because I’m not. 

I’m hopeful. Happy. Thankful, even.

As I lay here in my bed, where I have been almost all day, staring at the sun through the window, I praise God for the brighter days ahead. The days that I cannot see. The days filled with love, happiness, family and all my dreams. 

The pain has been stinging my pelvis, ribs, and lower back. I’m swollen and tender in my core. My right ribs are piercing me. I don’t know why they hurt so much. And I don’t know why there are bumps that swell on them. My chiropractor jokingly remarked, for the 50’th time, that something was left inside of me during surgery. I don’t think that’s very funny, but I can’t help but laugh. I guess it’s better than crying over it all, right? 

Granted, I did run 10 miles yesterday. The day after my third dose of poison Lupron.  But this pain isn’t muscle aches. This is not physical exhaustion from a work out. 

This is endometriosis and Lupron.  

Running doesn’t make your ovaries hurt. It doesn’t make your ribs sting and swell. It doesn’t make your hip flexors become stuck. It doesn’t crush your bones. It doesn’t make you throw up. It doesn’t drain you to the point where you cannot function. 

But here I am, again. And that’s just fine.

I’m ok. We’re all ok. 

We’ve got each other. We’ve got millions of other endo sisters around the world. We’ve got our families and friends, loving us through it all. We’ve got hope.

I don’t understand all this. I don’t understand the pain and sickness. I don’t understand how God could allow it. I’ve follow Him. I trust Him. So why the suffering? Why the broken dreams? 

Why the disease? 

Lord only knows. 

"The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. 
It may seem to be much worse, 
but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.” 
--Elisabeth Elliot

Yes, this feels much worse than what I planned. This feels much worse than what I imagined God’s will to be. This hurts. A lot. 

All that I can do is trust Him. Trust that He will take us through. Trust that He will comfort all of our pain. Trust that there is a reason, there is a plan. 








2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain today. I will keep you in my prayers tonight that you can find some comfort and relief. Hopefully your dreams will be filled with a glimpse of the brighter days ahead.

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  2. Thinking of you friend. And hating this stupid disease...

    ReplyDelete