Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Baby’s Mama

I am going to be one, hot, sexy mama someday.

I don’t know when that day will come. I don’t know if it will be through adoption, surrogacy, or my own womb. I don’t know if the journey will be as long and painful as the battle with endometriosis has been. But I know it’s going to happen.

Somehow. Someway.

Even though this disease has torn up my insides, I believe that motherhood is in my future. Even though I’m single, I trust that God will give me a family of my own. Even though it feels like all my dreams have been shattered, I know that God has a plan for my good.

"Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever”. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I’m going to be one hot, baby’s mama.

But tonight, I was just a happy spectator, holding my dear friend’s newborn baby boy.

With Stacey and little Cody 
I didn’t even cry, which is crazy because I’m tearing up over everything these days. I thought that I was going to start weeping when I held little Cody, but I was ok. All I could do was smile and laugh. I am so happy for my friend and her hubby.

I can’t wait until it is my turn.

For now, I am sidelined. I am laying down with a heating pad across my pelvis and tummy. The sharp stinging has returned, but not before my 10 mile run. I went slow, jogging for over 100 minutes to hit the whole distance. The last mile was rather painful, but I finished it.

After my 10 miles, I was a sweaty, happy, hot mess :)

I did it y’all. After laying in bed for over 30 hours, I got up and ran 10 miles. It is a small amount compared to the 26.2 marathon, but it is a huge step for me in my training. I was terrified of what I would feel like today. I was scared of the pain and side effects that always knocked me down for a good week after the injection, but I did it.

I will be completely honest, the pain got very intense the last mile. It started to sting like crazy near my ribs and ovaries. I slowed down so much towards the end that I thought I was going to start walking. But God gave me strength to finish.

The run was altogether glorious. I was praying and praising God the whole time. He is so good and faithful. It rocks my world that we have a God who loves us, pursues us, and never leaves us...even when we turn our backs from Him.

Even though I questioned the Lord’s hand in this suffering, He continued to guide me. Even though I kicked, screamed, and tried to run away, God still was with me. Even though I yelled at Him in desperation and pain, He loved me just the same.

"I yell out to my God, 
I yell with all my might, 
I yell at the top of my lungs. 
He listens”. ~Psalm 77:1

God listens. He hears our prayers. He hears our pleas. 

He knows my heart’s desire. He knows how much I want to be a mommy. He placed that desire within me. God has allowed the pain and disease to be in my life, but I know there is a reason. 

I hate this pain. I hate this disease. 

But I know I’m going to be a mama one day. 

A hot mama. 

Who can make some pretty amazing mac n’ cheese. 




4 comments:

  1. You will be SUCH a hot mama lady!! Hopefully we both will be! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. 10 miles! I really, really want to learn how to do that! (A 5K is a big deal for me! lol!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I pray we are all hot mammas busting out the 5k’s with our strollers! AMEN!

    ReplyDelete