Saturday, December 11, 2010

The sweetest thing

Shaking. Sweating. Vomiting. Doubled over in pain.

That’s where I was yesterday. It was more pain than I’ve had in a while. 

Not just Lupron side effects.

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Endo pain. The kind of pain that rips apart my insides. The kind of sharp stinging that grabs at my tummy and pierces my sides with burning nails. The kind that crushes me, pressing down on all my bones until I’m certain they will shatter. 

I feel that Endo pain right now, along with the Lupron extras. 

The extra joint and bone pain has been making it hard for me to walk more than 15 minutes. The vomiting and nausea have been making it difficult to eat. The hot flashes are random, but mostly at night. They are hitting me more often now. I wake up drenched in sweat about 5-6 times a night, if I’m able to fall asleep. 

I’m exhausted, but the insomnia has taken over. I have trouble sleeping with the pain, nausea, and hot flashes. I’m moody, but it is not nearly as bad as the first month. Besides, I have always been kind of a crier. I can’t blame all the tears on the Lupron. 

The drug is making me really ugly too. I know that sounds vain, especially when dealing with pain, but I’m 27 and single. I don’t want acne. I don’t want my hair to fall out excessively. I don’t want tremors. I don’t want to be stuck in bed. I don’t want to be in pain.

But this is where I am. Fighting a mysterious disease with a drug that I hate. 

It is such a helpless feeling to not be able to do anything to feel better.

All I can do is cry out to God for healing, hope, and relief.

I know that He hears me. I know that He is in control. He is Sovereign. He is good.

The puzzling thing about endometriosis (besides not knowing why it grows and how to stop it), is that there are so many up and down days. I could be flying high and full of energy on Monday, but crying in pain and exhausted on Tuesday. There is no telling when I will feel good, bad...or ugly.

All I can do is trust that God will take me through all of my days.

A fact that makes me smile, even in the pain.

On days like this, I am able to find joy in the Lord. I am able to find hope for brighter days. I know that He is with me, holding me so close, even when the pain is shaking me to the core. 

God hasn’t forgotten me. He hasn’t abandoned me. I don’t understand this pain. I don’t understand this disease. But God’s got me. 

His love is amazing. 

It truly is the sweetest thing.

"He loved us in life and he loved us in death. 
Having loved us in the easiest times he loved us in the hardest times. 
Having loved us with words and bread and touch he loved us with blood and pain and death. 
Having loved us extensively over years he loved us intensively to the depths.” ~John Piper



4 comments:

  1. I hate that you're going through this. I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- I'm praying for you.

    You're an amazing woman. You really are.

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  2. "There is no telling when I will feel good, bad...or ugly"
    I couldn't agree with you more. There is such a weird feeling to not knowing how you are going to feel. I want to know why, but I also try to embrace the days that I do feel good as they seem few and far between lately. I am seeing a new specialist at the UofM on Monday and I have new hope at getting some type of answer to this shitty disease.

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  3. It is often in the hardest place that you hear G-d’s softest voice; in the weakest moment that you find His greatest strength; in the loneliest hour that you sense His closest companionship; in the deepest sorrow that you feel His gentlest touch; in the darkest time that you see His brightest light; in the fiercest trial that you find His fullest peace; in the harshest rejection that you know His warmest embrace.

    Blessed be the G-d and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the G-d [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement), Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction).
    2 Corinthians 1:3-4 AMP

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  4. That Girl With Endo, thank you so much for sharing the scripture. It is so true that it is in the lowest and darkest of times when we feel the Lord near. The words you wrote are beautiful. I am so sorry for all the pain that you are going through right now. You are still in my prayers. Stay encouraged, hon. God has you so close to Him in this time.

    Erin, I feel like the good days have been scarce lately as well. Hopefully, we will all have plenty of those good days to embrace soon. Let me know how the appointment goes with the specialist. I’m really interested.

    Lenzey, you are so precious. Thank you for your prayers and all your encouragement.

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