Monday, December 6, 2010

No laughing matter



I got made fun of tonight for spending so much time alone in my room. Friends that are close to me made the remark. I took it completely the wrong way though. I got mad. 
How can my friends laugh at the idea of me being stuck in bed from the pain and exhaustion? How can they make fun of this life that I despise? It’s bad enough as it is.
I know they were just joking, but I don’t think this is funny.

I’ve lost about 25 lbs since August. My 5’4” frame used to be muscular and athletic. I’m down to nothing now. I can’t eat much without throwing up or diarrhea. I can’t do my job and train the way I used to because it’s hard for me to move on most days. My school work has suffered because my ADD is extreme when I’m in pain. Who on earth can focus when the body is crying out for relief?
I’m falling apart physically, but I trust God that things are going to get better. I’m going to be moving around soon. I will get my life back. I DO believe this with all my heart. 
But please don’t make fun of me for doing my best right now.
Don’t laugh at my inability to function. I’m trying to hold onto hope.
Please don’t tear me apart.
I know that my friends love me. I know they don’t see how they could hurt me because “it was just a joke”. But this is my life.
I fight to get out of bed. The pain stings my pelvis and shoots down my thighs. My bones feel like they are going to burst. The aching all over haunts me in the night. I hate bed time because I usually don’t sleep much. I just have to wait it out ’til morning.
The hot flashes drench my body. I have the fan blasting on me, while I hug my heating pad around my core. The nausea is always with me, begging my body to turn inside out.
I don’t want endometriosis. I despise the Lupron. I hate being stuck in bed with pain...for now. 
I realize that my life is a little uncomfortable for some of my friends. I understand that it is hard to hear about sickness or see someone you love hurting. I get that the pain is not what they want to know about.
But I just don’t want to be made fun of...and laughed at....for something that I’m fighting so hard to overcome. 
I would love to smile, but not at my expense. 

6 comments:

  1. There have been so many times I've been called an old lady for how much I settled down in the last two years. I used to be such a wild child. The life of the party. Now, I'm pretty sure most parties go past my bed time and that it would be weird for me to bring my heating pad along.

    All that to say - I hear you friend. And I'm not laughing either.

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  2. This really breaks my heart. It's so strange how something that could normally be considered funny, now has the ability to completely cut us down.

    Praying for you, lady.

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  3. I'm with SIF and have been called the same thing. I don't even look forward to vacations or events because my bed time is way before my friends. I have to take ambien to even sleep a wink but it does make bedtime easier. I'm not laughing unless you need a friend to laugh along with you or cry.

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  4. When I read your blog, it reminded of a quote by Aristophanes which goes something like, "Boys throw stones at frogs in jest, but the frogs, they die in earnest."

    It is all too easy for people to take their health for granted, not truly realizing how one's quality of life can be severely compromised at a drop of a dime. I'm so sorry that your friends don't have sufficient insight to know how vastly inappropriate it is to make humor of something they know not of.

    I do hope and pray you feel better soon.

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  5. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. I definitely feel like an old lady most of the time, especially on the Lupron. I hate that we all can relate to staying in bed and hugging the heating pad, but at the same time, I’m thankful to know that I’m not alone.

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  6. I too have also been called an "old lady" because I am always in pain or not feeling well. They don't understand so they just assume that I am making it up..like I like feeling old, in pain or even having to take pain meds. It is frustrating

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