Saturday, December 25, 2010

It’s not about me

It is almost midnight on Christmas.


I’m still awake.


Thinking.


This whole weekend was spent with someone else’s family. I wasn’t at home in Florida or New York with my relatives. I was in Memphis with a girl friend of mine, hours from Arkansas.


I woke up feeling sorry for myself. I had to fight the urge to have a pity party. I held it together pretty well.


I didn’t cry when my friend talked about being pregnant. I didn’t fall apart when I held her baby bump. I didn’t burst in tears when her little nephew and niece played around the house. I didn’t get angry when I heard the complaints from the mothers about their kids.


I held it together really well actually.


Until I talked to my niece on the phone. 


Bella Grace is 2 1/2 years old. And she has been my world. She calls me “Ti Ti Pah Pah”. I have been attached to her since the day she was born, right after my first surgery.

Bella and I 

My niece lives in Florida, far away from Arkansas...and Memphis. After a rough few months, I made the decision to wait until January to see family. I want to feel better before I see Bella. I want to have my energy back and be able to move. And I want time with them all when I’m not vomiting and sleeping. 

On the phone today, Bella asked me to come over and see all her presents. I told her that I was too far away. Her sweet reply was simple, “No, you’re not, Ti Ti Pah-Pah! Come have Christmas with us”. 

That was when I lost it. The tears started flowing and I lost all words. Everything within me wanted to jump in my car and drive to Florida, but I knew that would be stupid. I knew I couldn’t physically do that anymore. I’d get too exhausted. I’d feel too much pain. And I’d be stuck in bed. 

I cried for about 20 minutes. 

Then I put on some music and some make-up. I tried to be happy. I got ready to go to Natalia’s family’s house. I was going to smile. I was going to take pictures. I was going to be thankful for this time spent with some amazing people that I just met. 

Christmas dinner with Nat’s family
I did just that. 


I put on a happy face. 


And drank some sugar free redbull for energy.

Ready to take on the day with sugar free red bull
(my newest obsession to fight the fatigue
of Lupron - I don’t recommend it!)

And I remembered the reason for today. The reason that we celebrate Christmas. 

I remembered that it’s not about me. It’s not about what I have or don’t have or who I’m with...or not with. It is not about whether I’m alone or with family. It’s not about the presents, food, lights, tree, and getting all that I want. Or think I need. 

Christmas is about Jesus, God’s son, becoming man. It’s about a Savior being born that would take away our sins. It’s about hope, love, mercy, and grace. 

It is about forgiveness. 

Second chance. A million chances. And being given the gift of eternal life even though I don’t deserve it. Or can become possible of earning it. 

It’s about a relentless desire from our Father in heaven to love us. To want us.

So much. 

That he would send his only son. 

Born to us. For us. 

To die. 

To save us. 

Christmas isn’t about me. It’s not about who I’m with or what I give, get, desire, or want. 

It’s about Him. 

Only Him. 

Because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is the Lord and my relationship with Him. 

Something that would be impossible if Jesus had never been born. If Christ had never become man, bridging the massive gap between my sin and God. If He never died and rose again.

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again”
~John 3:16



4 comments:

  1. You are a brave wonderful person. It's so wonderful that you were lifted up this evening. I am praying for you for real girl.

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  2. You remembered more than I did today my beautiful friend. Thank you for reminding me what it's all about. That it's not about me either.

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  3. That was both beautiful and profound. Thank you.

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  4. You're amazing... Also, I ventured over to your Myspace about a week ago. I was amazed, and I'm IN LOVE with "Fool". Thinking of you.

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