Thursday, December 9, 2010

Better plans ahead

I overdid it today. 

I biked 6 miles. 

That’s all. 

Nothing grand. Nothing crazy. 

My muscles feel fine, but my core is stinging in pain.

At the church tonight, when we were rehearsing, I could barely sing. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear. I didn’t want to be there. The pain was tearing me apart. 

I’m falling apart physically and emotionally it seems. My body is racked with pain. I’m unable to move. 

This isn’t me. 

I’m active. I’m strong. I’m an athlete. 

This isn’t me. This isn’t my body. 

This isn’t how it is supposed to work. 

I’m the crazy girl who would bike and run for miles. I’m the insane trainer who was in love with the squat rack. I’m the one who would raise awareness and support for charities through athletics. 

I’m not supposed to be the one who can’t move. 

I’m the girl who smiles all the time. I’m the one who would wake up with tons of energy, excited to take on the day. I’m the laughter that everyone would hear on the other side of the gym.

I’m not supposed to be the one who is crying in bed. 

I’m the woman who called out to God when the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I’m the sinner who begged for mercy and forgiveness for all the wrong in my life. I’m the one who stepped out of the boat and onto the water, believing that God wouldn’t let me drown. 

I’m in over my head now. 

But wait....there’s more.

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I’m the one who usually tries to control her life, but screws it up in the process. I’m the one who can’t let go and let God. I’m the one who tried to fight the waves alone instead of trust my Savior to pull me out from the deep. 

I’m not supposed to be the one who keeps on believing during the sickness and pain. I’m not supposed to be the girl who hangs on to Jesus when everything else falls apart. I’m not supposed to know peace and strength during the hurricane that has torn my world upside down. 

Yet somehow I am here, still trusting. 

Still believing in the sickness.

Still trusting in God’s promises that He won’t let me drown.

"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” ~Jeremiah 29:10-11 (The Message)

Obviously, my plans weren’t good enough. 

God has better plans for me ahead.

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