Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Waiting for Morning

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I’m extremely thirsty right now. CRAZY thirsty.  And it’s not because of lack of water. In the past 90 minutes, I have finished six water bottles (20 ounces each). And I’m still thirsty. My mouth is like cotton. My throat is parched. 

The thirst is making it harder for me to chew on my saltine crackers tonight, which I eat to get rid of the nausea. 

Actually, I just suck on the saltines, like gobstoppers. Except the crackers are flakey and salty, and they dissolve after a couple of minutes. I don’t know if the crackers really help the nausea, but somehow I made myself believe that they do. 

My body feels horrible right now. And weak. My weight has gone down a few more pounds since I’ve been on the saltine diet. Not by choice, of course. My body used to be so athletic and muscular, but now I feel flabby and disgusting. I used to love to flaunt my legs, but now I try not to look at myself when I wear shorts. It depresses me. How could I lose so much muscle so darn fast? 

I felt a lot better at the beginning of the day. In fact, I even went to the gym for a little bit to lift weights. I desperately wanted to accomplish something active before I was feeling sick again. That girl with endo wrote “time is precious” when she gets relief because she never knows when the severe pain will return. How true that is! 

And you know what else? Being in menopause sucks. I have been crying A LOT lately. I will be attempting to do something when all of a sudden the tears just start to pour out. At the store today, I saw an old couple holding hands as they walked. And that made me cry. 

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The fatigue is getting me down. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep from the pain. Even when I do sleep, my body is still tired. I feel like I can’t even lift my feet to walk at times. 

The ugly side effects of the Lupron are showing more now. My face is breaking out like crazy. I never got acne until I did my first round of Lupron in 2008. My skin eventually got back to normal after going off the drug. Now that I’m back on, my skin is bumpy. 

Gross, I know.

My tummy hurts. My body is tired. My eyes are burning. My bones are achey. And I’m still thirsty. It’s hard to sleep when I feel like this, but I keep telling myself that soon it will be morning, and then it will get better.

"Weeping may endure for a night,  
   But joy comes in the morning”

~Psalm 30:5 


  1. Amen. I'm sorry you're having a hard time on the Lupron (how's that for a redundant statement?).

    I really do hope you get to feeling better soon.

  2. My father used to tell me when things were bad that "the days is darkest before the dawn." I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now, but I deeply admire your ability to see the "dawn".

  3. Lenzey, your “redundant statement” comment made me smile this morning. Thanks girl. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and wake up refreshed!

    Jendo, my mom says the same thing. I love that saying! It reminds me that night can’t last forever and there is always hope in every sunrise.