Thursday, November 11, 2010

Training Myself Thru Lupron

I was crying my eyes out at lunchtime today as I lay on the floor in the women’s locker room. I had failed at my attempt to run at the gym. I only made it 4 miles before I doubled over in pain.

“Hey crazy girl, why don’t you give yourself a break?"

That was the line in my I was throwing a tantrum  crying because of the nausea, exhaustion, and pain that has prevented me from moving, eating, and sleeping much.

(Yes, I guess that would be considered talking to myself. I’m going to blame the insanity on the Lupron as well)

I should have known better than to attempt to run. My body was hurting since I woke up this morning, at 3:30 AM, drenched in sweat. The fan was blowing on me full speed, but I was burning up. I anxiously stripped off my clothes (why do I even bother wearing clothes to bed now?), and jumped in the cold shower, trying to extinguish the fire in my bones. 

This is the complete opposite scenario of 5 weeks ago, when I was wrapping my heating blanket around my core and waking up 2-3 times during the night to take scolding HOT showers. All the while praying that the pain in my body would quiet down once the heat took over. Sometimes, I could get the temperature so intense that I’d make myself believe I was burning all the disease out, just like Dr. G keeps trying to do. Pain at 3AM would always makes me think crazy thoughts. 

But so does the Lupron.

Back to the thought of cold showers, it seems now that I’m trying to get rid of the heat, I can never get the water freezing enough. I may look like I’m shivering all over from the icy water, but my body is on fire inside! I’ll take the hot flashes over the endo pain any day, though.  

The  problem is when the hot flashes and "endo-like" pains hit me at the same time as the nausea, extreme fatigue, and the feeling that a 500 lb sumo wrestler is crushing my bones. The problem escalates when my emotions are controlled by the hormones running around like mad in my body. Now, add in all the “ugly” side effects of this drug to expose how vain I am: the hair loss, dry mouth, and acne that has graced my faced. And that, my friend, is one fine argument as to why I should NOT be doing the monthly injections. 

Until I think about the future. And then my argument to refuse the medical treatment is lost. 

As soon as I start thinking of the possibility of one day having my own family, all the side effects of this drug fade away. I accept the pain and side effects...for now. I would rather stall the disease or attempt to kill it with this drug, than to allow it to grow and destroy my insides...and my hopes of having a family of my own. 

For me, the side effects of Lupron are worth it all to reach my dreams. I remind myself everyday, all day, as I tell myself the hurt and tears are just from the chemicals...and that it will end soon.

"Just five more months of shots....five more months”

“You will get through and get better!”

“C’mon now, woman, pull yourself together! You got this!!! You got this!!!” 

(I guess my trainer voice gets pretty loud when I’m talking to myself)


  1. I just started following your blog...and I must say, I love your spirit, your tenacity and your unrelenting passion to fight for your dream. You are truly an inspiration.

  2. Oh Lupron... How I hate it!!

    The best recommendation I have though is acupuncture. I started acu BECAUSE of Lupron and SPECIFICALLY to help ease the symptoms. I'm telling you friend, it helps! Try it!

  3. Jendo, thank you. I am BIG TIME struggling, but trusting that God is bringing me through the dark times. I thank God that for the “blog world”! It helps to follow other bloggers and know that we aren’t alone in our sickness and pain.

    S.I.F., thanks so much for the recommendation. I have done acupuncture for endo pain, but never thought for the Lupron! I’m sooooooo there again!

  4. Girl, you are so strong. I totally relate to what you are going through. The hot flashes and night sweats are the worst! They have eased up slightly since my hyst 8 months ago. Hang in there. I am praying lupron will be the answer to your prayers. Thank you for your inspiration!