Sunday, November 21, 2010

Preaching to Myself

I wrote a HUGE long post last night about having faith when I can’t understand. I wrote about trusting God in the hell and the pain. I had spent the day seeking for answers and the only thing I could come up with is: HAVE FAITH. 

So really there is no answer for the pain. The only thing I can say is, “God has a reason. Trust Him”. 

And that response doesn’t help my body feel better. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy in my blog. The reason I write so much about seeking the Lord and trusting is because I am in over my head right now. If I didn’t pour over the scriptures and search with everything within me, I would drown. 

I would sink in despair. I know that I would. I know because I fight the depression and the sadness every day. The thoughts of giving up enter my mind as soon as I awake and feel the pain. I wonder how God could love me if He is allowing this to happen. 

Yesterday, I was completely alone again. My family lives in Florida. I live in Arkansas. I live out in the country. I work at the same place I sleep. I don’t go anywhere often because I don’t have the energy to drive out to town. The days I go to school and church are typically the only times I “venture” out. I used to run and bike out here in the country and be in heaven. I loved the rolling hills and open space back then because I could DO something. 

But I can’t do much right now. I try to exercise and I fade fast. I can’t make it very far on my bike. To be honest, I haven’t tried in a few weeks because my last attempt had me in bed crying in pain. 

If I didn’t cry out to God, my thoughts would overwhelm me. 

I have to fill my mind with as much hope as I can find. I have to seek Him out or else I’ll fall apart. 

Something I am struggling with right now is my weight. Or lack of. 

My weight has always been something I could control with activity and diet. I could sculpt my muscles to make me look strong and sexy. Right now, I can’t do much of anything. I’m trying to be healthy in my diet, but I can’t eat much without my stomach hurting. 

I’m going to my sister’s house in NY on Monday. She asked me for a food list, of all the things I’d like to eat when I am visiting. My list? Popsicles, saltines, oatmeal, and any veggies I can manage to keep down. I’m taking supplements like a crazy person. Bone-up, b-6, fish oil, flaxseed, borage oil, vitamin c, etc. 
Just some supplements...
As I get ready for church this morning, I’m listening to praise music. Not because I am “holy, holy”. It’s because I am far from perfect. I’m a weak, broken mess. 

"The LORD is the everlasting God,
  the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
  No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
  and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
  and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
  They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
  They will walk and not faint.”
~Isaiah 40:28-31

I’m praying for some strength to make it through the day. 

I’m praying for God to carry me through this storm. 


  1. I am glad to read that you are gaining strength in G-d. I too have gone supplement mad to the point I think I might be obsessed. I am taking EVERYTHING I possibly can. Are you taking Chaste Tree (Vitex). I wish I had discovered this one years ago as it would have made my life a lot easier. Any help is some help right? And my ultimate saviour is real ginger beer. Not the alcoholic stuff. It saves me from the nausea it is a G-d send.

  2. Oh friend... I feel like I've been turning to God more lately too, because I just don't know what else to do.

    And as my pain gets worse every day, I'm living in fear of what comes next too. I'm terrified of another surgery, and hate the idea of Lupron.

    I honestly don't know what comes next. :(

  3. That Girl With Endo, thank you so much for sharing about the Vitex! I haven't heard of that supplement but I am going to check it out for sure! You are right about anything helping. I am so desperate to try anything. Do you know of anything to help with my digestive system? If I am able to keep food down, it either goes right thru me or causes the other extreme, while creating more pain in the process. My diet is usually perfect. But I'm at a loss for how to eat right now and not get sick. God is definitely my strength and song now.

    SIF, I hear your heart sweetie. I'm on the Lupron now and I hate it. But honestly I don't know what else to do right now. I have been praying for you everyday.

  4. Oh girl get yourself some Chaste Tree stat. If I had to choose one supplement that helped me (pre-hyst) it would be that one. I read once that a medical scientist called it a miracle from G-d. Now we know they don't make those sort of comments lightly! I wish I had known about it when I was in my teens and early twenties.

    The next one is my Vital Greens. I notice that you take Cod Liver Oil and that is also fantastic. I am sure that you would already have an adequate diet... but for digestion I take those little bottles of probiotic stuff and Chia seeds. Don't forget the power of Licorice as well. Great powerful stuff for endo. I have become a little obsessive about my body only putting the best stuff into it but if we are going to fight endo we have to have our battle armour in tact.

    At the moment I am the same as you - unable to eat so taking my Vital Greens mixture makes sure I get everything that I am lacking because I am only eating plain crackers and drinking ginger beer. If you can get your hands on some ginger beer that will really help you. The Australian brand Bundabergs has real ginger in it and is easy to drink. I find that after drinking that I have a bit of appetite.

    I feel for you being on Lupron. I pray that you seek Him for strength and hope. xoxo

  5. Oh, thank you so much for the suggestions! I blend my veggies and fruit together into a juice so that I am able to get some healthy nutrients, but I like the Vital Greens product. I do take probiotics as well. Rarely, I have the american ginger ale, but I mostly just do the saltines for nausea. I’ve actually avoided licorice because I had learned that it raises Estrogen levels, which doesn’t really matter on the Lupron, I guess.
    I understand about being obsessive on the body, girl! I’m the same way with what I eat and drink. Thank you for sharing more info with me!