Friday, November 12, 2010

Please don’t dump me

I woke up this morning exhausted. I even drank caffeinated coffee in a failed effort to make my body feel alive again. I pushed myself to move and train my clients. And then I went back to my corner of the world, laying flat on my back on the bedroom floor.

For some reason, I’ve hit the floor a lot lately. I don’t know why I refuse to lay on my bed when the fatigue sets in. Something within me resents my bed now. Probably because I’m spending so much time STUCK in it.

So as pathetic as it sounds, there I was on the floor for about two hours. Just laying there with my heating pad across my stomach. In an effort to seek the Lord thru the weariness of my heart and body, I prayed.

I talk to God a lot now. Probably more than I ever have before. The last few years of my life have been drenched with tears. And God has heard me whine and weep them all out.

Why does it take suffering and pain to get me to talk to God so much? Why can’t I talk to Him more when I’m happy and healthy?

As I was laying there, unable to move because of the exhaustion that takes over, I reached for my bible to read. For some reason I turned to the book of Lamentations today. It is one of the saddest books in the bible, I think, full of destruction, suffering and despair. Actually, it is rather depressing to read, except for a little bit of scripture that writes on the hope found in God through all the pain.

One of my fav versions of the bible is “the message” because it is written in contemporary English, making it easier for me to understand what I’m reading. Sometimes the old language of scripture makes it hard for me to apply it to life today, especially when I’m crying my eyes out from the hormonal changes.  For some reason, the simple things in life (like reading) seem a million times harder on this drug.

As I was reading Lamentations in “the message” bible, I was moved by the verses of hope found in the middle of a story on suffering  and death. The words brought me comfort:

"We've been to hell and back. 
   We've nowhere to turn, nowhere to go.
Rivers of tears pour from my eyes 
   at the smashup of my dear people.

 The tears stream from my eyes, 
   an artesian well of tears,
Until you, God, look down from on high, 
   look and see my tears.
When I see what's happened to the young women in the city, 
   the pain breaks my heart.

 Enemies with no reason to be enemies 
   hunted me down like a bird.
They threw me into a pit, 
   then pelted me with stones.
Then the rains came and filled the pit. 
   The water rose over my head. I said, 'It's all over.’

 I called out your name, O God, 
   called from the bottom of the pit.
You listened when I called out, 'Don't shut your ears! 
   Get me out of here! Save me!'
You came close when I called out. 
   You said, 'It's going to be all right’."
 You took my side, Master; 
   You brought me back alive!
~Lamentations 3 (the message)

When I started blogging, I didn’t think I’d be quoting scripture and writing about the Lord as much as I am. But I’ve realized that God is the only one that I can truly count on, the only one who can raise me out of this pit. Doctors, surgeries, and drugs can only do so much. I have to trust that God will take me through the rest. 

And to be honest, I don’t want to trust. I want to scream and yell, demanding to know why this is happening. That behavior is childish and worthless though.  Acting as a 3 year old will not change my life for the good. 

But God can. He’s the only one who can. 

So as much as I want to pout, instead I’m trying to praise, seek, and pray. Here’s are more words, straight from the heart of  King David, as he was searching for God:

"And now I'm flat on my face 
      feeling sorry for myself morning to night. 
   All my insides are on fire, 
      my body is a wreck. 
   I'm on my last legs; I've had it— 
      my life is a vomit of groans. 

 Lord, my longings are sitting in plain sight, 
      my groans an old story to you. 
   My heart's about to break; 
      I'm a burned-out case. 
   Cataracts blind me to God and good; 
      old friends avoid me like the plague. 
   My cousins never visit, 
      my neighbors stab me in the back. 
   My competitors blacken my name, 
      devoutly they pray for my ruin. 
   But I'm deaf and mute to it all, 
      ears shut, mouth shut. 
   I don't hear a word they say, 
      don't speak a word in response. 
   What I do, God, is wait for you, 
      wait for my Lord, my God—you will answer! 
   I wait and pray so they won't laugh me off, 
      won't smugly strut off when I stumble. 

  I'm on the edge of losing it— 
      the pain in my gut keeps burning. 
   I'm ready to tell my story of failure, 
      I'm no longer smug in my sin. 
   My enemies are alive and in action, 
      a lynch mob after my neck. 
   I give out good and get back evil 
      from God-haters who can't stand a God-lover. 

 Don't dump me, God; 
      my God, don't stand me up. 
   Hurry and help me; 
      I want some wide-open space in my life!”
~Psalm 38 (the message)

He’s got something going there. “Don’t dump me, God”. When everyone else in my life has gone off and left me, don’t leave me alone. When I yell and give you every reason to disappear, please, “My God, don’t stand me up”. I couldn’t bare to face a day without God. I can’t even imagine the emptiness of not knowing God is with me. And that he loves me....even when I lay on the bedroom floor. 

After I was able to move around some and go to class, I went to the gym. I felt like sleeping but I’m really trying to get my running done. My biggest problem since surgery has been to limit myself in my work outs. I tend to have that “all or none” mentality when it comes to exercise. I usually do high intensity or long endurance work outs...or hurt myself trying. 

But today, I tried to be smart. I tried to take the advice that I usually give clients. “Listen to your body. And be kind to it” (yes, that’s the trainer voice that goes off in my head). I made a plan of doing 30 minutes of jogging. 

Just 30 minutes. And I promised myself that I would STOP at 30 minutes. I vowed that I wouldn’t keep pushing, even if I felt good because I always do too much...which leaves me STUCK in bed or on the bedroom floor. 

At 30 minutes, I wiped down the treadmill and s-l-o-w-l-y backed away. I then grabbed my bag out of the locker room, and hauled booty out of the gym before I excitedly wandered off to the free weights. 

In my highly emotional state, I cried on the drive home. I kept remembering the cries from Lamentations. I kept hearing the requests of David as he waited on the Lord. And as I was tearing up from the scriptures that I tried to engrave in my heart, all that I could think to say in prayer was, “God, please don’t dump me like the others”. Cause I know that to be away from His presence would really be the end of me. 

1 comment:

  1. I seriously love this post... and I have been there so many times before. I also never thought my relationship with God would enter my blog quite so much, but... it's funny how these things happen!