Saturday, November 20, 2010

He’s got Me

"To you, LORD, I call; 
   you are my Rock, 
   do not turn a deaf ear to me. 
For if you remain silent, 
   I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
 Hear my cry for mercy 
   as I call to you for help, 
as I lift up my hands 
   toward your Most Holy Place”
~Psalm 28

I don’t understand suffering. I don’t understand the pain of this disease. I don’t understand heartache. I have been reading scripture all day. I have been searching for answers, and praying to God. My heart is still heavy with questions, but I found so much hope today.

I learned more about this God who loves me. My suffering is not in vain. There is a reason God allows the hurts to cross our paths and to collide with our hearts. I don’t know the reason. But I refuse to waste the pain.

God knows about endometriosis. He knows about infertility. The pain of this disease in my life is not a surprise to Him. God saw it in my body and permitted it for a reason. He could have stopped this disease when it began to develop, but He allowed it to grow. God has a purpose for this suffering.

I just wish I knew the purpose.

"For we live by faith, not by sight.” ~2 Corinthians 5:7

In the last few months, I have grown closer to the Lord. The pain and loneliness have made me stronger in my faith. And as crazy as it sounds, I’m thankful.

I don’t want the pain. I don’t desire this disease. But I believe that God is good and sovereign. I believe that He has heard my prayers and cries. I believe that He has answered me. I just can’t see the end yet. I can’t understand it at all, but I trust that God is working for my good.

“...we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” ~ Romans 8:28 (the message)

As I was reading scripture upon scripture today, I realized that God understands this pain more than I can dare to imagine. I saw that I have this Heavenly Father who adores and loves me. He knows my heartache. He sees every tear that I cry. And He knows that I can’t handle this disease on my own.

God knows that I’m not strong enough to take on this sickness. I need Him in my life. I need His peace and comfort. I need God’s love. I’m completely shattered right now. I can’t go on without Him.

I need God’s promises to stay with me. I need His mercy. I am not the picture of a “good” Christian woman. I screw up all the time. I need God to save me. I need His grace.

And I want God.

I want Him to heal me. I want Him to love me. I want to see more of Him in my life.  I don’t want to waste my life running away from Him. I don’t want to waste my days away dwelling on the pain of this disease when I could be dwelling on the Lord.

I want to think about God more than my hurts. I know this is hard for me. It is difficult to read scripture and pray when I don’t feel good. It is even harder to thank God for the suffering, but I am trying to do so.

I don’t want to retreat in my little corner of the world anymore. I don’t want to hide away, ashamed of my pain. I want to be able to tell others of this sickness without feeling embarrassed. And I want to be able to share all that God is working in my heart through this pain.

I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I don’t want to despair. I don’t want to be fearful of this disease and how it affects my future. I know there will be more pain. I know there will be more suffering. But I want to be able to hand it all over to my Lord, fully and completely, trusting in His plan.

Endometriosis is not my life.

God is my life. He’s the reason that I live. The normal thing to do when faced with this pain is to give up. The NOT normal thing to do is trust God.

I don’t understand, but I am not normal. I trust God won’t let me down. I trust God’s got me.

The video below is Jeremy Camp singing “walk by faith”. The amazing singer lost his wife to cancer after only being married for 4 months. He wrote this song on their honeymoon, when she became very sick and needed to be hospitalized. The lyrics are beautiful.


  1. This song was absolutely beautiful! It made me very teary.

  2. I know. I absolutely love his music because you can tell the lyrics are from his heart. If you want to see him talk about his life a little, I found his testimony on youtube.