Sunday, November 14, 2010

He Won’t Relent

The wave of emotions that have hit me today (and the past week) have been of epic proportions. I wake up excited for a new day, ready to begin again. Only to find myself weeping 30 minutes later because my body feels like it has been run over by a semi.

I retreat back to bed. Or lay on my floor with the fan blowing on my body, crying out my frustration. Sometimes the episodes last 15 minutes. Other times the fits are 2 hours long. I never know when the aching in my body will pass on by or when the heaviness in my heart will lift. All I know is that when the tears come, my world feels like it is caving in. I tell myself, “It’s the drug”, “This is going to pass”, and “God is with me”, but my own words don’t always bring comfort. 

For example, this morning, I woke up and attempted to move around. My body was dragging and depleted. I made a 1/2 cup of caffeinated coffee (which I have been sneaking into my mornings more since I’ve been so tired), only to find myself crawling back in bed...for two more hours. 

I finally managed to get up and change into some UnderArmour clothes to keep me warm outside. I had every intention on jogging, but 1/2 mile down the road, my body felt like lead. The fatigue was pulling me down to the ground. I ended up sitting still for about 5 minutes on my “walk/jog”, praying to God, asking “WHY???!?!?!”. 

How on earth is it possible for me to bust out 6 miles last monday on a run, yet fight to stand up 7 days later? I get so mad at my body. I get so angry at this disease and drug. All the while, I hear God telling me, “S-L-O-W  D-OW-N”. 

"Huh? Slow down, God? What are you talking about?!? Don’t you know that I’m an athlete? Don’t you remember my college days of ice hockey? Don’t you realize that I train people for a living?”. 

I continue this proud speech to God on my jog/walk/sit, reminding Him how running and training have become my life. “It’s all I’ve got, Lord. How can you take this too?”. 

But that’s where I am wrong. That’s where the music fades and the truth slaps me right in the face. God is all I need. I don’t need a husband. I don’t need a family. I don’t even need my health. Yes, I want all those things. But God is all I need

I hear Him telling me to slow down a lot. I hear Him telling me to rest and be still, seeking Him alone. But I keep fighting the rest. It’s so hard for me to be patient and not push for what I want. It’s so hard for me to give Him complete control of my life, trusting that He knows best. 

I was thinking of this today. Thinking of how I had so much activity planned but not the strength to do it anymore. Thinking of how I have spent so many days and nights laying on my bed, pleading and calling out to God. 

Thinking of how I’m in this place in my life, where I can’t move, I can’t run, bike, or lift. All I can do is push to get through the day the best possible way, saving my energy for daily activities like showering and going to class, things that seem so small but require more strength and effort than my body wants to give. And this makes me so sad! I have always been active and healthy, besides the times when Endometriosis and Lupron have torn me down. 

I realized that God won’t let me go. He won’t let me off the hook so easily. He won’t let me drive myself into the ground with activity, ignoring the One who created me. He is too passionate for me.  I don’t believe that God gave me this sickness, but rather that He has allowed it. And I trust that He loves me enough to let me go through this pain. 

"Place me like a seal over your heart, 
   like a seal on your arm; 
for love is as strong as death, 
   its jealousy unyielding as the grave. 
It burns like blazing fire, 
   like a mighty flame.”
~Song of Solomon 8:6-7


  1. In my opinion, the exhaustion is the worst out of all the menopause symptoms. I swear, I've been sleeping for the past four days. I'm not used to getting this much sleep... it really brings you down to know that something has this much control over your body and actions.

    Hopefully you'll get some relief soon.

    Praying for you!

  2. I am saying some prayers for you. I know the frustration of being able to run and swim a mile one week only to not be able to get out of bed the next - I am drafting a blog on this very topic. Don't give up hope. Trust and believe in Him. This is a hard battle but G-d will answer your prayers.

  3. I completely agree, Lenzey! The exhaustion is the worst! Thank you so much for your prayers. I’ll pray for your tiredness as well, sweetie.

    S.I.F., we sing this song in church all the time. I love, love, love Misty Edwards. She sings a song called “glance” that is my favorite. The lyrics are precious.

    That Girl With Endo, thank you so much for your encouragement in the Lord. I know you understand the frustration from reading your blog. I pray we all have an energetic, pain-free week.