Saturday, November 6, 2010

He Had A Better Answer

Today was an amazing day. God continues to love me, and love me, and love me. His grace and mercy absolutely amaze me. Even when I am throwing a fit and beside myself, He finds me in the muck and despair. He lifts my head, wipes my tears, and holds me close. 

My prayers this morning went something like this: “Dear God, please give me the strength to take care of my clients because I don’t even think I have enough strength to take care of myself. Please help me to atleast take care of their health, because my health is falling apart. Please give me energy to survive. Please, God, help me just to stand up today without falling on my face”. 

Sad, huh? Those aren’t exactly the words someone would want their trainer to be mumbling in prayer. Who wants a personal trainer that can’t move? How can I tell others to be healthy when I am practically living in bed these days? Does that make any sense?

Absolutely not. 

But today, it ended better than it started. Instead of ending my day in pain and tears, I had smiles. My friend, Jane, is still visiting from Japan and she made this day completely priceless. She came over and spent time with me. When I needed to lay down with my heating pad, she was ok with it. She sat down in one of the armchairs in my room and talked to me as I curled up on the bed. She was just there. We didn’t have to go do crazy, fun adventures on her visit. She was okay with just being around and talking.

Then we went to church in the afternoon. Jane doesn’t get to go to a Christian church much in Japan, where less than one percent of the population are Christians. So we went. And Jane was beyond excited. 

It blows my mind how we take things for granted in this country. Things like going to a Christian church and knowing the gospel. There are many places in the world where people have never even heard of Jesus. And other places where His name is forbidden. 

There is a couple in our church who sold everything that they have to move to a foreign country where Christianity is illegal. They want to share Jesus with the world, even if it will cost them their lives. 

That is brave. I wish I had some of their courage and boldness. I wish that I could lay all of my plans aside and give God every single thing that I try to hold onto. I really do try, but many times my efforts fail as I continue to fasten my grip tightly on all that I want, instead of what God wants. 

I just don’t want to waste my life. 

I want a purpose, a reason for breathing. I want to know that I am in the will of God. I want to live with passion, accomplishing the greatest of things for my Savior. I want share the love of Christ with others. 

I want to be healthy. I want to be married. I want to be a mother. I want to be happy. 

I want, I want, I want, I want. 

"God, what do You want???"

I keep asking and asking. Months ago, I prayed that the Lord would help me to grasp more of His love for me. That I’d open my eyes and my heart to the way He adores me. 

And then I got sicker. 

And sicker. 

The pains got worse. I laid in bed, crying out to a God that I had asked to show me His love. Instead, I felt rejected and consumed with sickness. I felt pain and sorrow. 

No, I didn’t feel very loved at all at first. 

The body that once had energy and joy, was replaced with fatigue and sadness. The girl who once had drive and passion, turned into the walking dead. The desires of my heart so serve God without holding back, became distant thoughts, echoing the passion of a girl that “once was”. 

Since my request to know the love of God more than I have ever known before, life has gotten harder and the hurt has become deeper. But in a twist beyond my understanding, I have grown to know His love in a greater way than ever before. 

I told Jane that I try to be thankful for the pain because it seems to have drawn me closer to the Lord. I told her that I wouldn’t trade these last few years of heartache for anything else because of the way God has stretched and molded me, teaching me more about His love and character. 

But then Jane said, “Would you be willing to go through this hard time 10 million more times if it meant you kept getting closer to God and feeling His love greater?”.

And I said, “no”. 

No, I can’t possibly survive this pain 10 million more times. It is out of the question. I am not that strong.

And God knows that. 

He keeps telling me that I don’t have to be strong. That His strength will carry me in my weakness. That He will continue to love me in my struggles. He will get me through this pain to Him.

I guess He answered my prayers to feel His love more, but not in the way that I wanted. 

I wanted Him to make me better, give me a man, a baby, and the perfect life of my dreams. But instead, I found myself secluded and alone. Family and friends ignored me after surgery. The physical pain increased and left me stuck in bed. My plans fell apart. 

And as crazy as it sounds, when I became broken and rejected, God felt nearer. His love showered down upon me, despite the hurricane of pain that took of my life. 

"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, 
   His merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning. 
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). 
   He's all I've got left”
Lamentations 3:22-24


  1. I truly believe that my illness and my struggle with endometriosis and infertility is what has brought me so much closer to God. I don't know how or why that happened, but I know it did. And there is DEFINTETLY something beautiful about that! :)

  2. I can't quite articulate how I'm feeling right now. I know I'm crying, but I'm not profoundly saddened by any means... I feel like God is telling me exactly what I needed to hear through you. I needed these words more this week than I ever have since coming to Christ almost 10 years ago. I know you were just writing what was on your heart-- but that takes bravery. So, again, thank you.

  3. Oh S.I.F., I completely agree that there is something beautiful about it all. It is so hard to understand, but definitely precious.

    Lenzey, thank you for sharing your heart and how the Lord spoke to you through my broken words. It’s amazing how God uses everything and anyone to show us His love. Have you ever read Captivating?

  4. You have inspired me with your last few blogs. I hadn't gone to church since my surgery and yesterday I felt brave enough and went to church with my family. My Mum keeps reminding me of the footprints in the sand.

    Thank you for reminding me that I need G-d for strength and hope and that I can't fight my endo battle without it.

    I remembered something very important and put it on my blog:

    So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
    Isaiah 41:10

  5. I haven't read it, but I just added it to my Amazon wish list.

    I am giving you an award. I feel like you really deserve it after the things you posted this past week. I'm praying for you, and I really hope you get to feeling better.