Monday, November 29, 2010

Crying out to Jesus

Here I am.

Just sobbing.

Crying out to Jesus.

The pain won’t stop.

God, please. It hurts so bad today.

My tummy and pelvis are crushing me. Isn’t the Lupron supposed to help me?

God, I know you are here. I need you. I need your strength.

I know that You are for me.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

All that I can write

"I am poured out like water,
   and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
   it has melted within me”
Psalm 22:14 
I wish that I could blog about how happy and healthy I felt today. Or blog about how full of energy I am. I wish that I could share excitement in my life right now.
I wish that I could move. I wish that I could eat. 
I’m so exhausted that I can’t even walk around the house. I dragged myself to church this morning, but then quickly returned to my bed and heating pad. I tried to walk outside, but the attempt didn’t last long. My whole core is in pain, especially the right side of my pelvis. I have only been able to eat some saltines and a little bit of squash, which I threw up. 
I wish this pain would end. I wish I could go back to the strong woman I was before. I wish that I could enjoy my life fully again. 
A close friend said to me today, “It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down as long as you get back up”. I’ve heard that quote before. In the past, I related it to sports, training, injury. But right now, it applies to my physical ability to get out of bed. 
The exhaustion and pain have kept me here all day, wishing and praying. 
I wish that I could write more, but I’m too tired and depleted. 
My mind is empty of words of strength. 
All that I can write is that I’m hurting, but trusting God. 
I’m trusting that He hasn’t left me in the pain. That He is still here. That He still has plans for me. 
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out - 
plans to take care of you, 
not abandon you, 
plans to give you the future you hope for”
Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, November 26, 2010

Saying Goodbye

It was a good day.

I had a lot of fun with my older sister at the MET museum in Manhattan. We set off around noon and spent a good four hours there. I did ok for about 2 hours and then the pain got so bad that I had to sit down. My sister is amazingly patient and understands completely. We sat on a bench for about an hour, talking and eventually laughing through my tears. I’m going to miss my sister so much.

With my sis at the MET

I leave NY tomorrow morning, bright and early. I don’t want to go back home to AR. I don’t want to be away from family again. I don’t want to be alone.

But I have to go back.

I have a good job, a great doctor, and a plan to pursue my dreams. I have to keep my eyes on the goal, I guess. I have to keep looking ahead and say goodbye.

My Cup Overflows....

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God.” 
~Philippians 1:3

I’m having some pain today. A lot of pain actually. My sis and I are heading to the Met Museum and I’m super excited...but in pain. 

Just to remind myself during the struggles of today of all the love that God has blessed me with in life, I threw together a quick, messy slideshow. I come from a HUGE family...four brothers, two sisters, one beautiful niece, and tons of cousins! I needed some smiles this morning and God gave me more joy than I could imagine in the sickness. 

God is so good!

Thursday, November 25, 2010


I’ve got a heating pad across my tummy and pelvis. The sharp pains and fatigue hit me later in the day. I wasn’t expecting my body to hurt today. I thought that maybe the holiday would grant me a little extra grace. 
I’m struggling now. 
Fighting to be hopeful when I haven’t been able to move. Trying to be positive when I’m with my amazing sister, who is fighting an illness of a different kind. Looking for the victory in the battle against this disease. 
Today is Thanksgiving. The one day of the year that we are supposed to give thanks. I am beyond blessed in my life with amazing family and friends. I have a dream job and much more going for me. 
My cup overflows...
But I’m struggling right now. 
The idea of pain is bringing me down. Not just my own pain, but of all the women that are battling endometriosis. 
It just doesn’t make sense to me. All the tears and heartache. All the broken dreams. All the sickness. Just from this mysterious disease that keeps trying to crush us. 
I’m thankful. I really am. I’m thankful for a God that continues to love me. I’m thankful for His promises to never leave me. I’m thankful for the suffering in my own life because I have become more compassionate to others. I’m thankful for how God has drawn me closer to Him in the hurt. I’m thankful for the strength to persevere and the heart to endure. 
I just wish we could have some answers for this disease. I wish we could have more hope for a cure. I wish we knew how to reverse all the damage and make the pain end. 
Thank God that I know what’s wrong with me. Thank God that I was able to be diagnosed. And treated the best way possible right now. 
But what about the millions that are clueless and in pain? What about the teenage girls that are silent, thinking this is normal? What about the women that are mistreated by their doctors and humiliated? What about the women who can’t afford any help? 
I’m thankful, God. I really am. I’m just struggling tonight...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Reasons Unknown

Thank God I’m not married.

That was my thought this morning as I was able to jog a couple of miles in the park near my sister’s house in Queens. It it absolutely beautiful this time of year, with the fall colors screaming out happiness. The chilly weather rocked my bones a little, but I loved every minute of being outside.

Hell Gate Bridge in the fall!
It’s hard to believe that last Thanksgiving I was engaged and wrapped up in wedding plans. I spent the holiday in Florida with my mom and sister, discussing all the little details of another wedding. We poured over bridal magazines, picking out things to show my wedding planner.

Three days later, the engagement ended.

I was heartbroken, again. I couldn’t believe that God would let another engagement come to an end, without marriage. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to make the same mistake. I didn’t think I was strong enough to make it through another broken dream.

Here I am, though.

I’ve survived two broken engagements and two surgeries in the past three years. For reasons unknown, God has loved me through it all.

Thank you, God, for taking care of me. Thank you for getting me through the hard times. Thank you for the blessings that will come from the heartache someday. Thank you for the struggles that I’m going through right now as well. I don’t understand the pain, but I didn’t understand it last year either.

Thank God I’m not in control. Thank God for the reasons unknown.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 
   neither are your ways my ways" 
            declares the LORD”
~Isaiah 55:8

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Trust isn’t Safe

I didn’t remember how to get to the airport. Mainly because someone always takes me and picks me up whenever I fly. It is very rare that friends and family venture away from the East Coast to visit me in Arkansas. I never needed to know how to get to the airport on my own before. 
I needed to know Monday morning though. 
“Easy enough”, I thought, “I’ll just use my GPS in my car”. But I was still nervous about finding this small, country airport. 
My sense of direction is bad. 
I get lost. A lot.
Even with my GPS. 
I can’t blame the navigation system because I don’t listen to it. For some reason, I tend to believe that I know a better way to my destination. So, I ignore the GPS voice, telling me that I’m going the wrong way. Or worse yet, I turn it off. 
Usually, I wander around for quite some time before I realize that I’m lost. In defeat, I let the GPS “recalculate” to find how far off course I had gotten myself. I let the voice guide me back to the right road until I think, “I’ve got it this time”. Then I pursue my own way again. 
The result is that I frequently get lost and show up to my destination frazzled and late. And sometimes, I never make it at all. 
You can imagine my sudden fear then when my GPS wouldn’t turn on at 5 a.m. monday morning when I needed to get to the airport. I was packed and ready to pull out of the driveway, but I didn’t know where to go. 
So in the early morning hours, I begged in prayer, “God, please, please, please let this thing work!”. Somewhere, deep within me, came the reply, “But you don’t listen to the GPS anyway. What good would it do you?”. 
I pleaded with more prayer. 
“God, I’ll listen today! Please let this work. I need some direction. I have no clue where to go!”. 
Then a lightbulb went off in my head. My iphone! Of course! My iphone had a navigation app! Sitting in my car, I put the airport name into my iphone and waited for some kind of guidance. 
As I was waiting, my car’s GPS lit up. It was working now! I let out a quick, “Thank you, God!” and hit the “Airport” button anxiously awaiting the voice to direct me. 
I happily listened as I pulled out of the driveway and out of the subdivision. 
Until I made it to the highway. 
Then it happened. My distrust in the GPS began to creep into my mind. 
“No, no, no. That can’t  be right!”, I said to the voice on the system, “I’m supposed to go North! I remember that I went North...”. My words were interrupted by the voice telling me to turn. And I didn’t like that. 
“Maybe it just needs to recalculate”, I thought. After all, my GPS is used to recalculating. So, I ignored the first turn to go South. And the next turn after that. And the next. Until, I was faced with no other option than to break the law. 
I picked up my iphone, while driving down the winding country road, and typed in the airport name again. “Maybe this thing will work better”, were my thoughts. 
It didn’t work any better. I got the same directions as the voice. 
I had to listen. So, I turned my car south. 
I thought that both the GPS and the iphone were messing up now. I thought that maybe they were directing me to some other airport. Nothing about the directions made sense to me. I double checked the airport address on both systems.
Yes, it was the right airport. 
“Goodness woman”, I thought to myself, “You live in Arkansas now. This isn’t like Florida where there are major airports all over the place. Of course it’s the right airport!”. 
I continued to drive down the dark interstate, nervous that I was going the wrong way. Afraid that I was going to get lost and miss my flight. I didn’t trust the voice on the GPS at all, but I had no other options. I didn’t know any other way. 
“This can’t be right!”, my thoughts screamed, “There are no signs!!! Don’t airports have signs?!?!!?” 
Hmmmmm. Maybe not small country airports. Maybe not airports that have one baggage claim and one terminal. 
Yet as I continued to drive the miles, sure enough, a tiny green sign appeared in my view. It directed me to turn right for the airport, just as the GPS voice had predicted moments before. 
I realized how foolish I had been in my own thinking. How I had been so sure that I needed to go north because that is all I could recall from driving to the airport a few years ago with my ex-fiance. I had failed to remember that I was coming from a different direction than last time. How did I forget that important detail? 
In 2007, I had lived in a college town about 45 minutes south of where I now call “home”. Of course, I was supposed to go north to get to the airport then, but I’m in another place now. I’m coming from a different direction. 
And someone else was with me last time I made this trip. Now, it’s just me...and the GPS voice. I can’t depend on the person next to me for directions because he left last year. I’m on my own now. I have to listen to the GPS. I have to trust that it will get me to the right the right time. 
I see many little town signs as I proceed carefully through the winding country, relying on the voice to show me the way. I drive through a handful of these small communities, boasting populations of 800 or less. One particular town name catches my eye and I do a double take. 
“Healing Springs”. 
The word, “healing”, calls out to me every time I see or hear it. Maybe because I pray for healing day and night. I pray to be free from the pain of this disease. I plead with God, begging Him to repair the damage inside. 

The town of Healing Springs passed just as quickly as it came. My thoughts returned to the road ahead as I was twisting and turning through the darkness. It didn’t look like there be could be an airport out here. It didn’t look like there could be anything out here. I kept going though. I kept on trusting that the GPS knew the way. 
Then another sign came into view and the voice told me to follow its direction. As soon as I was guided to turn, a few bright lights appeared. There it was! The “airport”, with its one parking lot and one terminal. 
I shut off the voice on my GPS. I won’t miss my destination now. 
“Where am I supposed to park?”, a logical, yet dumb question to think to myself considering there was only one parking lot. However, multiple signs pointed out, “long term”, “short term”, “economy”, and other parking choices. The arrows looked like they were pointing everywhere to me. Overwhelmed, I got slightly confused. 
“Which one am I supposed to go to? Which ticket do I need to leave my care here?”.
I had never done this alone. 
In fear of turning into the wrong entrance and obtaining the wrong parking ticket, I didn’t turn at all. I kept on driving. I drove past all the parking signs and the little country airport. In the darkness, one little sign popped into my view. 
“PARKING left lane. EXIT right lane”. 
I recognized that the parking sign would circle me back around to the one lot with multiple choices. Yes, despite all my stupidity at 5:45 a.m., I managed to be smart enough to follow the parking sign....cautiously. 
But I still felt lost. 
“God, please don’t let me go the wrong way again”. 
I didn’t hear His voice like I did the GPS, but I felt His peace. It was like He was saying, “Sweetheart, you can’t get lost now. There’s no other way to go, but forward. Everything and everyone around you is gone. All that’s left is your destination. Just circle back around and try again. You won’t miss it. Trust me”. 
Maybe I was just hearing the words that my father would say to me. 
“Trust Me”. How easy those words sound, but how unsafe to my weary heart. 
I drove back around, circling the place I was so afraid of losing. I followed the right parking signs and ignored the other choices. I got my ticket. I parked my car. 
Once inside, I nervously checked myself into one of the only two flights leaving the country airport at that time. I then sat down, waiting for the call to board for NY. 
But then the “Chicago” sign caught my eyes. I was in the wrong spot. 
I laughed to myself, swallowed what little pride I had left, and dragged my stuffed carry-on bag past all the Chicago people waiting in the right place. I found the NY sign about 20 feet later, just as a voice called my name over the speakers, telling me it was time to board. 
I was the last passenger and they were waiting for me. 
As fast as I could, I hauled my bag and my butt to the door where the NY sign stood, only to be stopped by a security guy, asking me where I was going. 
“She’s with us”, came the voice from the NY flight attendant next to the door. She smiled at me and told me to follow the one terminal, “all the way down to the door on the right. Don’t go to the left door. That’s Chicago. Go right and you’ll find the plane you want”. I must have looked as confused as I felt because then she added with assurance, “You can’t miss it, darling”. 
Clearly, this woman did not know me. 
True to her word though, I didn’t miss the “right door”. I couldn’t. The pilot was standing there, holding out his hand to greet me. 
I smiled in thankfulness for the southern hospitality at this small country airport in the middle of nowhere. Thankfulness in my heart for God allowing me to see the bigger picture as I boarded the little aircraft. 
I thanked God for not giving up on me, ever. 
I thanked Him for leading the way when I get myself lost, over and over. 
See, I’ve got you”, I felt the Lord speak to me. Not in the audible way that the GPS voice could, but as a whisper in my heart. 
I’ve had you the whole time. Trust me
Ok, God. It doesn’t feel safe. It doesn’t even feel like the right thing to do. But I will follow your voice. 
I will trust you. 

“But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
My feet have closely followed His steps;
I have kept to His way without turning aside”
~Job 23:10-11

Monday, November 22, 2010

Thanksgiving Prayer

 "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.
 ~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Rejoice always

Pray continually?

Give thanks in all circumstances? 

Dear God, I don’t know how to rejoice all the time. I don’t know how to give thanks for this. 

This pain. This disease. 

I don’t know how to be joyful when it hurts, but I want to, God. I really do. 

As I visit my family for Thanksgiving, I want to be thankful! I want to be happy in the suffering and the struggles. God, can I borrow some joy from you? 

Can I borrow a smile today? This week?

Can you reach down from heaven and place some laughter in my heart? I can’t do it on my own. I’m prone to frown when I don’t feel good. Gravity pulls me down. 

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, said the following quote that has been stuck on my heart since reading the verse in 1 Thessalonians. 

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

If those that were facing the worst possible nightmare imaginable were able to push on, comforting others and giving everything they had, then surely God can give me the strength to smile and love others in this pain. 

As I am surrounded by family and those that are close to me, I pray that my attitude will be joyful. I pray that I’ll be able to give thanks in all circumstances.

God, when the tears come, as they surely will, show me how to embrace the sadness with the right attitude. Don’t let the bitterness creep into my heart. Don’t let anger swallow my joy.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves”.  
~Viktor E. Frankl  

Thank you for this week, God. Thank you for this time with my sister and others. Thank you for the smiles and laughter that are sure to come. Thank you for tears that are sure to fall, allowing me to feel compassion for others that are hurting all around me. 

Keep my eyes open to the positive, as I push against the urge to be dragged down. Keep praise and thanks on my lips all week, knowing that you have blessed me overwhelmingly in my life. 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Preaching to Myself

I wrote a HUGE long post last night about having faith when I can’t understand. I wrote about trusting God in the hell and the pain. I had spent the day seeking for answers and the only thing I could come up with is: HAVE FAITH. 

So really there is no answer for the pain. The only thing I can say is, “God has a reason. Trust Him”. 

And that response doesn’t help my body feel better. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy in my blog. The reason I write so much about seeking the Lord and trusting is because I am in over my head right now. If I didn’t pour over the scriptures and search with everything within me, I would drown. 

I would sink in despair. I know that I would. I know because I fight the depression and the sadness every day. The thoughts of giving up enter my mind as soon as I awake and feel the pain. I wonder how God could love me if He is allowing this to happen. 

Yesterday, I was completely alone again. My family lives in Florida. I live in Arkansas. I live out in the country. I work at the same place I sleep. I don’t go anywhere often because I don’t have the energy to drive out to town. The days I go to school and church are typically the only times I “venture” out. I used to run and bike out here in the country and be in heaven. I loved the rolling hills and open space back then because I could DO something. 

But I can’t do much right now. I try to exercise and I fade fast. I can’t make it very far on my bike. To be honest, I haven’t tried in a few weeks because my last attempt had me in bed crying in pain. 

If I didn’t cry out to God, my thoughts would overwhelm me. 

I have to fill my mind with as much hope as I can find. I have to seek Him out or else I’ll fall apart. 

Something I am struggling with right now is my weight. Or lack of. 

My weight has always been something I could control with activity and diet. I could sculpt my muscles to make me look strong and sexy. Right now, I can’t do much of anything. I’m trying to be healthy in my diet, but I can’t eat much without my stomach hurting. 

I’m going to my sister’s house in NY on Monday. She asked me for a food list, of all the things I’d like to eat when I am visiting. My list? Popsicles, saltines, oatmeal, and any veggies I can manage to keep down. I’m taking supplements like a crazy person. Bone-up, b-6, fish oil, flaxseed, borage oil, vitamin c, etc. 
Just some supplements...
As I get ready for church this morning, I’m listening to praise music. Not because I am “holy, holy”. It’s because I am far from perfect. I’m a weak, broken mess. 

"The LORD is the everlasting God,
  the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
  No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
  and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
  and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
  They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
  They will walk and not faint.”
~Isaiah 40:28-31

I’m praying for some strength to make it through the day. 

I’m praying for God to carry me through this storm. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

He’s got Me

"To you, LORD, I call; 
   you are my Rock, 
   do not turn a deaf ear to me. 
For if you remain silent, 
   I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
 Hear my cry for mercy 
   as I call to you for help, 
as I lift up my hands 
   toward your Most Holy Place”
~Psalm 28

I don’t understand suffering. I don’t understand the pain of this disease. I don’t understand heartache. I have been reading scripture all day. I have been searching for answers, and praying to God. My heart is still heavy with questions, but I found so much hope today.

I learned more about this God who loves me. My suffering is not in vain. There is a reason God allows the hurts to cross our paths and to collide with our hearts. I don’t know the reason. But I refuse to waste the pain.

God knows about endometriosis. He knows about infertility. The pain of this disease in my life is not a surprise to Him. God saw it in my body and permitted it for a reason. He could have stopped this disease when it began to develop, but He allowed it to grow. God has a purpose for this suffering.

I just wish I knew the purpose.

"For we live by faith, not by sight.” ~2 Corinthians 5:7

In the last few months, I have grown closer to the Lord. The pain and loneliness have made me stronger in my faith. And as crazy as it sounds, I’m thankful.

I don’t want the pain. I don’t desire this disease. But I believe that God is good and sovereign. I believe that He has heard my prayers and cries. I believe that He has answered me. I just can’t see the end yet. I can’t understand it at all, but I trust that God is working for my good.

“...we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” ~ Romans 8:28 (the message)

As I was reading scripture upon scripture today, I realized that God understands this pain more than I can dare to imagine. I saw that I have this Heavenly Father who adores and loves me. He knows my heartache. He sees every tear that I cry. And He knows that I can’t handle this disease on my own.

God knows that I’m not strong enough to take on this sickness. I need Him in my life. I need His peace and comfort. I need God’s love. I’m completely shattered right now. I can’t go on without Him.

I need God’s promises to stay with me. I need His mercy. I am not the picture of a “good” Christian woman. I screw up all the time. I need God to save me. I need His grace.

And I want God.

I want Him to heal me. I want Him to love me. I want to see more of Him in my life.  I don’t want to waste my life running away from Him. I don’t want to waste my days away dwelling on the pain of this disease when I could be dwelling on the Lord.

I want to think about God more than my hurts. I know this is hard for me. It is difficult to read scripture and pray when I don’t feel good. It is even harder to thank God for the suffering, but I am trying to do so.

I don’t want to retreat in my little corner of the world anymore. I don’t want to hide away, ashamed of my pain. I want to be able to tell others of this sickness without feeling embarrassed. And I want to be able to share all that God is working in my heart through this pain.

I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I don’t want to despair. I don’t want to be fearful of this disease and how it affects my future. I know there will be more pain. I know there will be more suffering. But I want to be able to hand it all over to my Lord, fully and completely, trusting in His plan.

Endometriosis is not my life.

God is my life. He’s the reason that I live. The normal thing to do when faced with this pain is to give up. The NOT normal thing to do is trust God.

I don’t understand, but I am not normal. I trust God won’t let me down. I trust God’s got me.

The video below is Jeremy Camp singing “walk by faith”. The amazing singer lost his wife to cancer after only being married for 4 months. He wrote this song on their honeymoon, when she became very sick and needed to be hospitalized. The lyrics are beautiful.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Stepping out again

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again” ~Psalm 71:20

I took a HUGE step yesterday. After class and training, I went to my church. I had a meeting set up with the lead worship pastor to get plugged back into the music ministry at church.

I was scared. I was nervous. I’m not that great of a musician, but I have always been involved with some kind of music ministry in the past. My heart just comes alive when I worship my Lord. In the midst of my pain and heartache, I know He hears my songs to Him.

So, after thinking and praying, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and serve again.

I am back on the praise and worship team at church. I know I’ll have days when the pain will keep me away and in bed, but I am determined to push through all three services each sunday that I am physically able. I want to come alive again.

The last 3 years have been a struggle. The last 4 months have been painful. There have been seasons of intense despair, followed by seasons of hope. There have been times that I begged God to take me home. There have been days when I have danced and ran, thanking God for the life He has given me.

I know that God has a reason and a purpose for every season. I know that He has drawn me close during this time of pain and utter loneliness. I also know that He is calling me out. I know that He has plans that are bigger than my own. I know that He is always faithful and loving.

And I know that HE WANTS ME. He isn’t compromising when He pursues me and loves me. He desires me completely.

I don’t know what the day holds. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. But I am confident that God will be with me as I step out in faith, once again.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hope & Healing

Please...I posted a photo below that may be difficult for some women to see. It is a pic of my friend and her new baby. I don’t want it to be the first thing that shows up on my blog when someone is browsing through so I put it at the bottom of this post. I don’t know if a note at the top like this is worth it, but I just wanted to mention it.

The hardest thing for me right now is not the fatigue, nausea, and/or pain. It is being told that I may never have the choice of being a mother. 

When I first saw the photo below of my friend, I wept. I let out tears of happiness for her because I knew her wait to be a Mommy was finally over. God blessed her with a newborn baby girl through adoption. The love that Laurel has for “Galilee" is obvious in this photo.

And it ministered healing and hope to my heart.

I realized that I had been so caught up in myself that I failed to see the hope that is within me. The hope placed deep inside by the hand of God. The hope that He has a purpose and a plan so much better than anything I could ever dare to comprehend.

I don’t know if I will ever have a baby from my own or if the Lord will bless me with adoption. But I trust Him with my questions and heartache. 

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.”

~1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (the message)

Finally a mommy

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Waiting for Morning

google images
I’m extremely thirsty right now. CRAZY thirsty.  And it’s not because of lack of water. In the past 90 minutes, I have finished six water bottles (20 ounces each). And I’m still thirsty. My mouth is like cotton. My throat is parched. 

The thirst is making it harder for me to chew on my saltine crackers tonight, which I eat to get rid of the nausea. 

Actually, I just suck on the saltines, like gobstoppers. Except the crackers are flakey and salty, and they dissolve after a couple of minutes. I don’t know if the crackers really help the nausea, but somehow I made myself believe that they do. 

My body feels horrible right now. And weak. My weight has gone down a few more pounds since I’ve been on the saltine diet. Not by choice, of course. My body used to be so athletic and muscular, but now I feel flabby and disgusting. I used to love to flaunt my legs, but now I try not to look at myself when I wear shorts. It depresses me. How could I lose so much muscle so darn fast? 

I felt a lot better at the beginning of the day. In fact, I even went to the gym for a little bit to lift weights. I desperately wanted to accomplish something active before I was feeling sick again. That girl with endo wrote “time is precious” when she gets relief because she never knows when the severe pain will return. How true that is! 

And you know what else? Being in menopause sucks. I have been crying A LOT lately. I will be attempting to do something when all of a sudden the tears just start to pour out. At the store today, I saw an old couple holding hands as they walked. And that made me cry. 

google images

The fatigue is getting me down. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep from the pain. Even when I do sleep, my body is still tired. I feel like I can’t even lift my feet to walk at times. 

The ugly side effects of the Lupron are showing more now. My face is breaking out like crazy. I never got acne until I did my first round of Lupron in 2008. My skin eventually got back to normal after going off the drug. Now that I’m back on, my skin is bumpy. 

Gross, I know.

My tummy hurts. My body is tired. My eyes are burning. My bones are achey. And I’m still thirsty. It’s hard to sleep when I feel like this, but I keep telling myself that soon it will be morning, and then it will get better.

"Weeping may endure for a night,  
   But joy comes in the morning”

~Psalm 30:5