Monday, October 18, 2010

Worth it all

I have discovered the following in the past twelve days post-op.

  1. Walking 1 mile slow is harder than running 28 miles straight.
  2. Cycling on a stationary recumbent bike with no resistance for 30 minutes is more challenging than biking over hills for 150 miles on a hybrid.
  3. Little steps on a slight incline are more painful than an hour of uphill sprints.

Welcome to the world of recovery in my mind, a place where the tears flow out of frustration and the battle against discouragement rages on. I know this time of post-op weakness won’t last forever, but the process is taking longer than I want. The little steps on my walks are not good enough for me. I want to be running. 

I want to sweat. I want my heart to pump like crazy. And I want my muscles back too. 

I want the pain to go away. I want a cure for this disease. I want all the damage done to my insides to be reversed. I want to be complete again.

Oh yeah, and I want to have a baby someday too. 

These are my thoughts as I’m shuffling along on my walks. My mind races with all the one million worries that endo tries to throw at me with the pain. To be honest, it’s hard to stay encouraged when I feel sick. But I keep on moving, hoping, and praying.

I tell myself that this surgery could be the last one. As I get ready for another round of Lupron, I tell myself that it is only six months. I can conquer the months of mood swings, vomiting, and headaches as my hair falls out and my bones hurt. 

Yeah, I can get past this surgery like a rockstar. I can conquer the Lupron like I demolish a workout. And then, just maybe, the endo will be controlled or even gone. Maybe it will stop growing back, wrecking my insides and destroying my female parts. Maybe I’ll still be able to have a baby one day. 

If so, then it will be worth it all. The surgeries, drugs, pain, frustrations, and tears won’t even matter. 

But what if it is all for nothing? 

What if the struggling to get past the pain never ends? What if I never get the chance to be a mother because of what this disease is doing to me? 

The thoughts can be overwhelming, especially when my body is hurting with every step. I have to keep reminding myself that I will run again. I will get stronger. I will have days without pain. 

And Lord knows, I will be a mommy one day.

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