Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pain is temporary.



I want to run, but it hurts to walk. Every step I take is slow and cautious. If I try to push my speed and walk quicker, I get sharp pains from my lower ribs to my tailbone. Sometimes the pains shoots down my legs. 


So, to avoid this pain, I walk like an old lady. Actually, I wouldn’t even considering it walking. It is more like  “creeping”. And is probably hilarious to watch. I should probably record my walks on video to give me something to laugh about later on.


It is easy to get discouraged when I’m “creeping” around like this. Especially because I thrive on activity. Staying still and resting is driving me absolutely crazy. Plus, it takes me a million years to get from Point A to Point B (and I’m not a very patient person).


To keep my hopes up and stay encouraged, I tell myself over 1000x a day “this" is going to pass. My body will heal, recover, and get stronger. This disease is not life-threatening. It is painful and debilitating, but I can handle everything pretty well with surgeries, Lupron, and whatever else the doctor likes to throw my way.


I spout off verses and quotes on being strong, having faith, and not giving up. I boast about my feats as an endurance athlete. I tell others to challenge themselves physically and mentally with runs, bike rides, and work outs. It’s always “go, go, go” in my head. 


So with all my ambition and drive, how can I be in this pathetic looking? 


It is 10 days post-op, and I’m “creeping" around the block, trying to keep myself motivated. I had planned to bike 100 miles today at the Tour de Cure, raising funds and awareness for the American Diabetes Association, but I can’t ride a bike right now. 


And I don’t know how to deal with that. 


I don’t know how to recover and heal, while staying still. I’m trying to figure out how to rest, but it is a struggle. I preach to others the importance of recovery, but I feel it doesn’t apply to me (hypocritical and stupid, I know). I feel like I should be able to push past the pain. I should be running by now. But I can’t. 


My big, fat training ego is deflated. I can’t lift. I can’t bike. I can’t run. I can’t even walk at a normal pace without hurting! The only thing I can do is try to stay positive and wait. And I’m failing miserably even at that.


"Pain is temporary, it may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever”~Lance Armstrong


Pain is temporary. Pain is temporary. Pain is temporary. 

My own translation: these ego-killing, “creeping” days suck, but they won’t last forever. I’ll never quit.

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