Sunday, October 17, 2010

Millions of babies

My friend is 6 months pregnant. Stac is absolutely beautiful with her basketball bump and teeny body. We have been best friends since we met in college. I was in her wedding. She was supposed to be in the wedding I had planned, but never happened. 

Her husband is a firefighter. They are having a little boy, who will be named “Cody Russell”. The nursery is decorated in firetrucks and little firefighters. Everything is ready...and perfect. 

Today, Stac & I were just sitting on the couch together talking, when Cody Russell decided to show off his kicking skills inside her belly. We could see her belly moving with each kick. It was precious.

And I cried. 

I knew it was going to happen. It always does. Any time that I am around a pregnant woman, babies, children, baby stores, baby movies, and even sappy baby commercials, the tears come. 

Stac does not understand the heartache, but she knows why I get sad. I was told by my doctor that I would never have the choice to be pregnant. As I cried, she scooted close to me on the couch, and hugged me. There aren’t really any words to bring comfort. Stac knows this and she doesn’t try.

I am extremely happy for her. I love this girl to pieces! I just wish that I could share the joys of motherhood with her. Instead, I’m watching from the sidelines as I recover from another surgery.

I don’t understand the Lord’s reasons for suffering. I don’t get it at all. 

Another friend of mine, Kaylene, just started an orphanage in Tanzania. Just in that one country, there are 4 million children and babies without a mommy or daddy.


What the heck do you do with a number like that? 

Kaylene showed me pictures online of her trips to Tanzania. Each photo is filled with babies. Here is one of them:

Babies everywhere! I just don’t understand the suffering in this either. Why are there millions of babies without parents, and yet millions of woman that are fighting infertility? Why does it happen like that? 

After talking to Kaylene on the phone, I got curious as to the number of orphans there are around the world. So I did a quick research check with google, and found this number:

143 million

Unreal. Millions upon millions of babies. Some orphaned through Aids. Some through abandonment. 

And yet, here I am, crying my eyes out, begging God for the chance to be a mommy. Not now, but one day...

It just doesn’t seem right. 


  1. Uggg! This is one that I just do not understand at all either. It breaks my heart and tears me apart.

    And just for the record, I have now cried at the bellies of far too many pregnant friends. The good ones are the ones who just hug you and let you cry!

  2. It breaks my heart, too. Thankyou for writing this.