Tuesday, October 5, 2010

It’s hard to focus when it hurts

I should be studying right now. I should be training. Or running. Or doing SOMETHING productive other than allowing my thoughts to recklessly drift onto a blog post.

But I can’t ignore the sharp pains in my sides. My ovaries feel like someone is digging 50 pens into them. (Sorry for the wonderful picture)

I came to the bookstore to get out of my room since I have been in bed for about 2 weeks, unable to move. I thought that maybe a change of scenery would help the pain leave.

Ahhhhh, the pain is still around.

I felt so good yesterday. I went on my bike for 20 minutes and it was heaven. 20 minutes is now heaven. 2 months ago I was riding 10-12 hours across state borders on my bike…and now 20 minutes is my piece of heaven. I can’t help but question what the reasoning is behind all this increase in pain lately.

So many days I think it is me. I tell myself to “suck it up”. I think it is all in my head, just craziness. I can’t understand why I can’t just go run or lift. I can’t understand why it hurts so much on some days or weeks, and yet other times the pain is so distant I question it.

I question everything. I question my sanity. I question my strength. I question whether another surgery is worth it.

I am having surgery again on wednesday morning. It has been 2 years since the first one with Doc G. I was engaged then. I was going to get married and have babies after the surgery.

But I still had pain. With hormone drugs, I also had emotions. The kind of emotions that make your fiance decide he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you.

IT’S GONNA BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME! I pray that Doc G will be able to remove all this nasty disease within me. I pray that Lupron will keep it from growing again. I pray that my female parts will be pretty still. That one day I will be able to conceive my own baby.

Dear God, that is my dream. A wife. A mother.

I’m gonna push past this pain today and pray for strength to endure. I’m going to get thru this hell.

God knows.

No comments:

Post a Comment