Thursday, October 21, 2010

I want my life back...

July 2010

I love to run.

Every birthday that I have, I run my age in miles, plus one. No one else joins me. I do these "celebration runs" on my own. As the years go by, and the miles get longer, I’ve had to push myself a little bit more. I now wear a camelbak filled with water, carb gels, and my iphone (just in case). 

This past August, I ran 28 miles through the hills of Northwest Arkansas to celebrate my 27’th birthday. I had been in pain and bleeding for 2 weeks, but I was determined to not let Endometriosis take over my life. So, I practiced what I preach...and I pushed through. 

August 2010
7 days later,  I biked over 150 miles in one day on a hyrbid (fitness bike) to AR, MO, and OK. The pain was piercing at my ribs, while shooting down through my hip flexors, pelvis, and thighs. I was still bleeding without relief.

14 days later, I dropped my running down to 7-15 miles a day, 5x a week. And reduced my weight training due to lack of proper nutrition (I was having trouble eating without getting sick). The pain was so intense that I could not lay on my stomach. Any pressure applied would “sting” my abdomen and pelvis. 

On September 11’th, I was in the middle of a 85 mile bike ride benefiting the MS Society, when my body just completely broke down. My knee blew out along with my body. I was bleeding heavily and couldn’t move. I had to get picked up during the ride. It was the sickest I had been in a while. Yes, I should have known to back down in training before I got to the point where I couldn’t move. But I didn’t want to “give in”. I’m not weak and I am not a quitter. 


Today, I tried to walk a mile. After 32 minutes of slow shuffling, I finally made it back home and collapsed on the ground. My ribs, tummy, and pelvis are still stinging all over. I feel like everything inside of me has been crushed by a heavy weight. 

I can’t walk. It hurts when I sit up. It hurts when I lay down. I take hot baths and lay with my heating pad as much as possible. But this pain won’t go away. 

July 2010
I’m HEALTHY! I have lived like a fitness saint my whole life. I was terrified of drugs growing up, swearing to take care of my body the best that I could. And now I’m prescribed pills to survive. I still refuse the pain pills as much as possible. I don’t even like taking Ibuprofen. 

I eat veggies like a maniac. I never eat fried foods. Dairy and red meat are extremely scarce in my diet. Don’t tell me about the “natural way” to cure endo. Don’t tell me about how exercise helps the pain. Don’t even ask me if I take vitamins and get my Omegas. Just spare me the suggestions for “alternative treatment” because that is how I live anyway. My whole life has been wrapped up in health and fitness, yet I’m struggling to walk a mile.

I have studied and learned the body to help others with their health. I studied Kinesiology at the University of Arkansas. I have a few different training and nutrition certifications. I have taught health and fitness classes. Yet, all my efforts and knowledge amount to absolutely nothing. I can’t even live the life that I preach.

So, fine. I guess God can take my health and vitality, as well as my career. I’m losing the joy in my job when I’m forced to sit on the floor training clients. Along with my health, my relationships have gone to hell. Friends are sick of me canceling plans. No one wants to hear about pain. It just makes people feel uncomfortable when the personal trainer is shuffling around. 

People say to have hope and believe that this will get better. I say that all the time. But what else can we do, but hope? We have no choice! We have to keep fighting. There is no other way out....and it sucks. 

October 2010
My life is being drained from me. I have no strength. The athletic, muscular body I worked so hard to keep strong and sexy is fading fast. 

I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of the pity looks from strangers as they see me struggling. If only they knew how I could kick butt in the gym, on the bike, or in my running shoes before. 

And those that say they love me, ignore me now. ‘Cause like I pointed out, pain makes people feel uncomfortable. 

Especially when the strong trainer is withering away. 


  1. I am crying reading this. Literally sobbing. Because you hit on something so crucial that is still killing me; we have no control. I have tried every which way to control, manage, and manipulate my endo, and you know where I get with that? Nowhere. I can't even lose weight anymore because all the hormones have effed up my thyroid.

    Not that I really want to lose weight (I've always been just fine in my size 10 jeans with a little bit extra "oomph" up top and down low!) but looking at your pictures reminds me that I really could be in better shape! :)

    What's the point though? No matter how hard I push myself (and trust me - I have PUSHED! Wanting nothing more in this world than to be able to treat my endo naturally, I have pushed) it doesn't help.

    I'm not a pill popper either. Never have been. Even today in talking to my RE, they were offering me pain pills because the hormones have got me in a serious endo flare up. I am in a ton of pain, but I refuse to take anything right now. Not while I'm trying to build up my lining as healthy as possible for baby. Not when I'm restricting everything else I love from my diet in an effort to have at least SOME control. No, I don't need another prescription for pain pills.

    What I need, is for the pain to just stop.

    Lots of love to you friend...

  2. S.I.F., I’m still trying to figure out how to work the blog commenting out, so hopefully this will post right so you can read it. :-/

    Girl, you are precious. Your blog and comments have helped me so much through these past few weeks because you get it. You know what this feels like and you are real about it. Like you wrote in your post last night, “Endometriosis is a bitch”. Your honesty may look rough to some, but to those of us going through the same pain know your words are true.

    I have read post after post from your blog (and others), these last few weeks. There is no real comfort when our body hurts and our hearts ache, but there is something in knowing that we are not alone in fighting this disease.

  3. I found your blog via S.I.F. ... my heart aches for you and all of us who have fought this fight for way too long...I feel your pain and frustration. Nobody can understand this disease unless they have lived it. Hang in there, the endo sisters have your back.

  4. Thank you, Noelle. I don’t like hearing that other women are suffering with this disease. It breaks my heart too. But at the same time, I am very thankful that I have connected with women who understand now. I didn’t know anyone with endo before I started blogging. Thank you for your encouragement...and understanding words. Hang in there too, hon!