Saturday, October 30, 2010


I’m going to bed with a smile upon my face tonight. And it feels pretty amazing. I’ve missed smiling. 

The day started out in a whirlwind of emotional hell and physical pain. I cried my eyes out to a close friend, sharing all the hurts and frustrations of my life right now. How it just isn’t fair that I’ve tried to take good care of my body, but it rebels against me. How I hate being stuck in bed for hours, but I have no choice. How I don’t want to be 27 and alone, taking a drug that puts me in menopause for six months. 

I vented non-stop this morning. I just kept sobbing and rambling. It was like a non-stop flow of everything that I usually try to keep to myself. The words and tears kept rolling and rolling.
I cried about God. How He says that He has plans for me that are good, offering a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), but how I don’t always believe that is true. How sometimes I feel like God has left me. How I wish He would give me some relief. How tired I was of hearing people say, “God is building character in the pain”. I don’t want character! I want to be happy and pain-free!
I shared how THIS wasn’t fair. How every ex is now married with children (or one on the way) and I’m alone fighting this disease. How I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to meet any one. How I’m afraid to commit to anything because of how horrible I feel at times. How I just want to get out of the dang house, but get scared that I won’t be able to follow through with any activity right now.
I cried ’til I really had nothing left to say. And Kay listened the whole time. She didn’t offer solutions or tell me to stop being a drama queen (‘cause although I’m hurting, I’m also sure some of this crying is from hormones....ugh). She just listened. And when I was done crying, she said some crazy remark that made me laugh. I don’t even remember what she said, but the tears turned to giggles for a few seconds. In those seconds, I realized that I’m over and abundantly blessed to have Kay and other people in my life. People that love me no matter what. Even with all the crying.
I know that God still loves me. I know that He will never leave me. It sounds crazy to put my faith in a God who I cannot see or touch or hear. But I know He is with me because of the people He has placed in my life.

Yes, it is easy to doubt and shake my fists in anger. Yes, I do that at times. But I still can’t deny Him. I can’t deny that even in all the heartbreak and loss, I feel His hands comforting me. Even in the storms of “why?”, “how?”, “when?”, and “if?”...God is still here. He still loves me.
I have a tattoo on the inside of my right ankle that says, “the one whom Jesus loves”. I got it after life threw me some major blows - first endo surgery and left at the alter. When I see my tat, I am remember that the Lord is always, always near me. And that no matter what I may have done (or not done enough of), He still loves me. His love is unconditional.
While thinking on the love of God, I started wondering about the truth of what I had said to Kay. Is it true that I don’t want to be alone? Really? I have been asked out on quite a few dates, but it seems like I always find a reason why I don’t like the person. Why do I do that? If I want to get married, then why do I let the little, corky things found in a person bother me so much that I wouldn’t date them? Am I too picky? Why is it that I go for the guys that seem to run from me, but I ignore the amazing guys who try to pursue me? So, whos fault is it?

Is it my fault that I’m single? How picky is too picky? I hate to admit it, but I’m vain when it comes to guys. I love tall, athletic men. I love a guy who can be active and work out. I used to make being a “christian” the major deciding factor with a guy being datable, but have realized that those guys cheat, lie, and run too.
At the game!
Today, I talked to God a lot as I was stuck in bed, awaiting the football game. Although not too big of a fan, I just wanted to get out of the house. And football games are a great excuse for moving! I didn’t want to exhaust myself before the game, so I just sat around and read...and talked to God. Or rather pleaded with God.
All in all, I am happy tonight. I made it through my breakdown this morning. I made it out to my University’s homecoming game tonight. And I’m doing alright. 

Yes, I am far from my family, hormonal, determined, and absolutely clueless.. But I’m going to bed in Arkansas tonight with a smile upon my face...and a prayer thanking the God who gave it to me. 


  1. I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through what I call an 'EndoHellDay'. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

  2. I know what it feels like to be engaged twice and never married. I run into one ex all the time and it's absolutely exhausting to see him or his wife around town.

    After the 2nd time, I spent FIVE YEARS wondering why everyone else got to be happy. I let it make me bitter. I was sad, angry, depressed, forlorn & hopeless. I let it turn me into someone that I couldn't even love.

    But I found peace when I "Let Go and Let God". Stop telling God what you want and start asking him what He wants from you. Sometimes, we go through it so that we can understand someone else's pain.

    Those men were not for you. They were not (and still are not) strong enough to love you. God has made a man that is. And when you finally Let Go of the why, you can Let God bring you his gifts and promises.

    I know I sound preachy but I don't want anyone else to spend five years alone... unless they want to.

  3. Oh hon, you can preach away. I don’t mind. :) I understand what you are saying. I can’t imagine going 5 years wondering and sad. The majority of the time, I am thanking the Lord for His hand and guidance upon my life. I thank Him that I am not married to the wrong guys. But there are days when my heart is saddened. There are days when I feel more alone. I do ask the Lord what He wants. I seek Him with all of my heart. But there are days like this when my heart is hurting and I just need to cry out to my heavenly Father, telling Him all that I desire and long for...even though I know that He knows me better than I know myself. I have “let go” many times. It is a process of continually bringing the hurts before the Lord for me.

    I love Romans 8:26-27. It says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God”. AB Simpson sums up that verse saying “So we can simply pour from the fullness of our heart the burden of our spirit and the sorrow that seems to crush us. We can know that He hears, loves, understands, receives, and separates from our prayer everything that is in error, imperfect, or wrong. And then He presents the remainder, along with the incense of the great High Priest, before His throne on high. We may be assured that our prayer is heard, accepted, and answered in His name”.

    God knows my heart. He knows my longings. He knows that I want to be a mother and a wife someday, but that I desire to His will more than my own.

    Thank you so much for sharing with me. I need as much “preaching” to as possible! I’m definitely a mess, but God can do some awesome works with messes too! :)