Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Let go and let God

"Do not grieve, because your strength [comes from] rejoicing in the LORD.” ~Nehemiah 8:10

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”
~ Matthew 5:3 & 4 (The Message)

I woke up this morning still processing how I ended up in the same spot as before. Another surgery. Followed by another round of Lupron. I kept thinking, “How am I supposed to deal with this?”. 

How do I come to terms with the fact that the endo won’t go away? How can I be hopeful and positive when I’m right back where I started? Except this time, I’m single. I am going through this on my own. The man who I was engaged to, who promised he’d fight this disease with me, gave up and left. He moved on. 

But this disease hasn’t. I still have to fight it. I can’t give up and walk away. I have to go through this “process” again. I don’t have a choice. The pain is not an option. The damage to my insides is not something I can ignore. 

At first, these thoughts made me throw a fit. I whined to God that it wasn’t fair. How come my ex-fiance can move on with life and I can’t? I am not saying that I want him back. He was not good enough for me. What I want is to be able to walk away from this disease, just like he did. 

I can kick and scream about how this isn’t fair, but that doesn’t change reality. I have endometriosis. There is no cure. I need surgery and Lupron to control it. I remind myself of the facts. I can fight like hell, but I can’t control this disease. It is out of my hands. “Let go and let God”. Isn’t that the phrase used in AA meetings? 

The months ahead don’t look very inviting. At 27, I shouldn’t be injecting myself with a chemical to make my body go through menopause. I shouldn’t be scared to death about infertility because of this disease. I shouldn’t be worrying about looking and feeling ugly because of the side effects from a drug. But this is where I am. 

"Let go and let God". I just have to trust Him with this sicknessI know that He’s got me. I know he won’t let me go. I know that He won’t walk away. 

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
   He's the one who will keep you on track”

~Proverbs 3:5-6


1 comment:

  1. You want to know the truth? NONE of this is fair. None of it. In fact, (and I'm going to be crass here) it is complete and utter bullshit.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this right now friend, but I do have one thing to offer you. It isn't big, and it won't change what you have to fight, but it's all I have to give.

    And that is the fact that you are NOT alone. I've been on the same path, waded through the same suckage, and done so on my own as well. It completely and totally blows, but I know you can keep fighting. I know we can keep fighting together!