Friday, October 29, 2010

Break the Silence

I didn’t blog yesterday. I told myself at the beginning that I would write a post every day. The reason is because I knew myself. I knew that after a while, if I didn’t have anything “good” to write, then I wouldn’t want to write at all. BUT the whole point of the blog was to help me cope with the “bad” days of endometriosis (and whatever else life dares to throw my way).

So, this is my sin. I was in so much pain yesterday that I didn’t want to admit it. I hate documenting the days when I’m stuck in bed. I don’t want to share my pain because I don’t want to look weak. Goodness gracious, how many times do  I have to learn that pain doesn’t make me weak?

As I cowered beneath my heating blanket, ashamed of all my pain, I read. 

I read the blogs of women who are fighting this disease and heartache as well. Oh, and I cried...A LOT (dang hormones!). 

I used to wonder how I could read about millions fighting this disease, but not know of one single person. But now I know why...’cause I never talk about Endo to others. How would I learn that someone else has the same disease when I’m silent? 

I used to get angry because of the lack of awareness and support for Endometriosis research. But I never spoke up. I never acted to raise awareness. 

So, my silence is my sin and here is my confession: 

I have spent the last couple of days in bed because of the pain. When I walk, my abdomen and pelvis start to tremor because it hurts so bad. My reasoning is that this is “normal” and I need to just deal with it right now. Ummmm, “normal” as in, this is my first period since surgery (for some reason Aunt Flo is taking her time - which never, ever, ever freakin’ happens!) and, from what I recall, the first ovulation and period hurt like hell. Of course, the first couple of months of Lupron (waiting on that period!) hurt like hell too. Oh, and Endometriosis hurts like hell for eternity. SO, basically, the pain is incredibly intense and I’m trying to justify it to make it sound “normal”. 

What the heck is wrong with me? 

I shouldn’t be ashamed of Endometriosis and Infertility. Instead, I need to speak up and do something about it. Even if that “something” is just sharing my words on a page. 

4 comments:

  1. Oh friend, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. The most relief I have had through all of this has come in the few weeks following both of my surgeries. Those are the only times I wasn't totally blinded by pain... I just hate that you aren't getting that blissful recovery period! :(

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  2. Oh, girl, thank you for your kind words! I never had a good recovery period. Actually, the four months following surgery last time were awful! I just thought that was normal because of healing and starting Lupron! I felt good on about month three of the drug. And then a few months after as well. Gosh, I could go for some blissfulness right now.

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  3. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. It is not something to be ashamed of! Write what you need to write and get out everything. Endo sucks and you are allowed to say how you feel! Hoping you get a little relief sometime soon!

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  4. Thank you, Erin! You are so right! Endo DOES suck...and writing about the pain does help a lot!

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