Sunday, October 10, 2010

Alone, but not lonely...

What do you do when you feel alone? How do you cope? How do you justify the reason you are alone? How do you deal with the desires to be wanted, needed, and loved?

I’m very much alone right now. It’s actually somewhat funny how alone I am - in a twisted, weird type of funny. I had surgery on Wednesday. Since then, all but three of my friends and family have not called me. Seriously, it’s so beyond strange to me that it is becoming hilarious (no, I’m not on pain medicine now).

My mother and father haven’t called, although I did end up calling my dad on friday. My siblings never called. My friends who I talked to all the time pre-op have not called. I thought, “Maybe something is wrong with my phone”. Nope, the phone is working just fine.

So why is this humorous to me?

Because the one thing that I was so scared about going into surgery this time around was that I was doing this alone. Now single and hundreds of miles from family.

My last surgery was a horrible experience. I couldn’t keep the pain medicine down and needed help just to lift myself up to throw up. I bled heavily for days. I couldn’t use the bathroom on my own because of the pain of moving and sitting. I couldn’t walk, sit, or eat.

It was a miserable experience, but I wasn’t alone. I had my then fiance with me. He slept on the floor beside our California King bed because any movement on the mattress left me screaming in pain. He picked me up when I needed to use the bathroom. He sat me up when I needed to throw up. He held my hand and let me squeeze the heck out of his when I hurt the most. I was hurting, but I wasn’t alone.

Even my family called then. They sent cards and told me they loved me. It was hard because of the amount of endo and damage that the doctor found, but I wasn’t alone.

I’m single now. My fiance cheated on me and married someone else. 

I am hundreds of miles away from my family now too. Some are within a few hours drive, but I haven’t heard from them either.

So here I am now, after another surgery--post op, alone...

...and doing so much better.

I can sit up. I can eat. I stopped bleeding. I’m in bed for a good part of the day and night, but I’m moving. I can walk if I need to. I can take a shower. I can sit in my comfy big bed and type on my MacBook Pro ALL BY MYSELF.

Alone, but not lonely...

Sure, it sucks. I wish I had someone to lay next to me. Kiss my forehead and hold my hand. Tell me that it’s going to be ok. It’s going to get better. 

But I don’t. 

My fear of being alone after surgery became real. I was even more alone than I thought I would be. But the funny part is that even will all the hurt of isolation, I am doing great with the loneliness. I feel stronger and better than I ever did post-op. I survived and overcame my fears.

Yeah, God is cool like that.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post and not for morbid reasons. I can identify with the title. I've been engaged twice and married never. He cheated. I walked. You will find your strength in unexpected places. It seems like you have already started. One step at a time, Love. God made you stronger than you know you are.