Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just wait until I feel better…

My client went for a bike ride this morning. He is doing 65 miles. I wanted to go. I even have a new road bike standing lonely in the garage, waiting for me. My muscles are begging for me to stop the atrophy. My heart is pumped up to beat like crazy again. My skin even misses being soaked in sweat.

But I can’t move right now.
These stupid sharp pains grab at my tummy and pelvis. I lay in my bed and wrap my heated blanket around my core, telling myself that I will feel better this afternoon. It has become rather pathetic.
I haven’t felt better in 6 weeks of “afternoons”. And I’ve been fighting the pain, off and on, for months of “afternoons”
This is getting harder. I want to fight this sickness with a work out. I want to run until I can’t feel anymore pain or bike until my insides are numb. But every time I try to push, the stabbing pains get worse. I retreat back to my bed. Or crumple on the floor in the middle of a failed effort. This cannot be happening! This is not my body. I am an athlete. I am strong. I am competitive and powerful!
This isn’t me!
This is just a bad nightmare. I’m ready to wake up and feel good again. I’m ready to rise up before the sun and hit up a run. I’m ready to bike until my legs and butt go numb. I’m ready to push in the weight room, laughing at the resistance that tries to keep me down.
I’m ready for the good pain. The type that comes from challenges and competitions. I’m ready for muscle soreness so bad that I have to sit on ice packs after a 150 mile bike ride. I’m ready for the wonderful burn of a face plant after my upper body hits fatigue in the middle of a plyo push up. I’m ready for 28 miles of running “just for fun”.
I’m ready to be able to eat more than chicken broth and saltines. I miss my protein drinks!
I’m ready to sleep through the whole night without waking up at 2 A.M. to take a hot shower to ease the pain.
I’m ready to go outside and enjoy the amazing fall weather doing something fun, instead of trying to figure out which way I can position myself on the bed so that I hurt less.
This is beyond frustrating for me, but it won’t get me down. I’m going to conquer this disease and gut it out.
C.S. Lewis wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world”.
I don’t know why I have to go through this hell again, but I know that the Lord has a reason. I can’t hear Him shouting, but I feel His love holding me tighter through it all.
I know God has a plan…and I know that this battle will end someday.
I WILL feel better in the afternoon.
Maybe not this afternoon, but it will be soon.
And when I do, my rides will be longer. My runs will be faster. My body will be stronger. And my faith will be deeper.
Just wait…

Sunday, September 12, 2010

This is not where it begins…

The war with Endometriosis started years ago, but I never shared the many battles. Now that I am getting ready for some more surgery and Lupron, I’ve decided that writing a blog may be a healthy way to document the next round of hell with the disease. This is just my personal battle against Endo being made public for the world to see. My hope is that I will somehow learn to deal with the heartache and loss, while growing stronger in the fight.